


Fool Me Once

by yooodles



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Deception, Gangs, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mentions of Death and Wanting to Die, Minor Character Death, Revenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2020-11-28 21:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20973044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yooodles/pseuds/yooodles
Summary: After Jaehyun single-handedly rips the most important part of his life right out from under him, ex-gang member Doyoung, specializing in the art of seduction and deception, is deadset on getting revenge the only way he knows how.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is bit different than what i usually do but i'm excited nonetheless. enjoy!

Doyoung slips into the chair next to him at the bar, waving the bartender over to order a random cocktail with minimal alcohol content. He wants to remain as sober as possible for this. He leans against the bar, trying to put himself more into his line of view. The man notices the movement and his eyes flicker up at him for a brief second, but it’s enough time for Doyoung to bat his eyelashes and give him a quick smirk.

“Hey there handsome,” he says, right as the man is turning to look away again.

He makes sure to slightly slur his words, just enough to sound tipsy but not too much to sound totally wasted. The man next to him doesn’t pay him any mind but Doyoung isn’t bothered, he’s got all night and he’s only getting started. It’s been a while, but it’s not difficult to immerse himself into the role. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss this at least a little bit, after all, it was what he had been trained for years to do back when he worked under his father. Seduction and deception. The easiest way to earn someone’s trust and manipulate them into doing whatever you want.

“Be grateful that you’re pretty,” his father had told him from an early age, “not everyone can do what you’re doing and hold the power you hold.”

Doyoung already knew then that what sounded like praise was nothing more than manipulation from the older man to manipulate him into another deadly weapon in his arsenal. Doyoung has long stopped doing what his father told him too, but he can’t say he’s ungrateful to have gained these useful skills along the way. 

Especially now that he had what was probably going to be the most important task he’s ever taken on. _ Revenge _. The man beside him had ripped the single most important thing in his life right from his hands and Doyoung determined to destroy him and make him suffer just as he’s done to him. It a risky endeavour and definitely won’t be easy but he’s got nothing much to live for and might as well die trying. 

Doyoung straightens his back and tries again, “Do you want to dance?”

The man looks up at him again, looking a little irritated and unsure of what to say. Doyoung mentally sighs. Time to change tactics. He lets out a nervous giggle and his eyes dart around the room, feigning anxiousness.

“Sorry,” he says softly, “I saw you from across the room earlier and spent half the night building up the courage to come talk to you. I’ll leave you alone if you want me to.”

Doyoung looks back up again at him with wide, innocent eyes, and he watches as the other man’s expression softens. _ Bingo. _So he's the type to fall for a good guilt trip; Doyoung jots this down in his head for future reference.

“One dance,” the man agrees, sounding quite hesitant, but it’s more than enough for Doyoung.

He plasters on the widest smile he can manage, the one that makes his cheeks glow and eyes look all sparkly, and pats himself on the back when he sees the man gives a small smile back at him.

“I’m Doyoung, by the way,” he introduces as he leads him to the centre of the dance floor.

“Jaehyun,” he says, but Doyoung already knew that.

From there it’s easy to drag Jaehyun close to him and let instincts take over. He places Jaehyun’s hands around his waist and presses their bodies together, dancing along to the music. From there he’s a goner. One song turns to three and the hands on his waist start to travel lower. All that’s left to do for Doyoung to do is lean in and whisper “my place or yours?” and steel himself for what will inevitably happen next. Oh well, at least this one is hot and he might as well have some fun while he’s at it.

-

A week ago, Doyoung would have been content on living his newfound quiet life as a librarian. He’s never had any regrets leaving the gang business behind him. As the leader of the SM Group, his father has been more than dismayed when Doyoung had announced that he wasn’t looking to follow in his footsteps and lead a life of crime. He had gone through several lengths to distance himself from the group, going back to school and limiting his contact with any of their members, including his father. As disappointed as he was, he had been able to respect Doyoung’s wishes and allowed him to leave the group peacefully.

But that was probably because he still had Mark. Despite not being related by blood, Mark was the closest thing Doyoung had to family and the only active member of the group he kept in regular contact with. He had been taken in by his father as a child after his birth parents had gotten on the wrong side of SM Group and he was left orphaned as a result. Like Doyoung, he was raised and groomed for the Group, but unlike Doyoung, he was never able to fully escape the Group’s grasp. Not that he would have wanted to anyway. Doyoung had always hated the way his brother idolized his father and felt as if he was indebted to him. His biggest mistake was not trying harder to pull Mark away with him.

The day everything changed, he had been summoned to his father’s office after work. It’s never a pleasant experience to visit the SM group’s headquarters and if it were up to Doyoung, he’d avoid going anywhere near its vicinity. However, it was not up to Doyoung. His father was a powerful man and to go against his wishes, even as his son was not the smartest idea.

He had a bad feeling the moment the bodyguard had come to pick him up. He rarely saw his father, he didn’t have any use for him these days and on the odd occasion he did get called in to see him, it was always Mark who came to pick him up. But he hadn’t heard from Mark in weeks and all that was running through his mind was that this meeting had something to with Mark’s sudden radio silence.

He remembers the way the bodyguard, a member of his father’s inner circle, had rushed him into the office, taking care to make sure he remained unseen. The last thing Doyoung wanted to do was get recognized around here. With how hard he had worked to cut off all associations with the Group, the last thing Doyoung wanted to do was get recognized around here. He was grateful at least his father had to sense not to send some low-ranking minion to pick him up instead. Of course, it was still a disconcerting change from Mark. The knot forming in his stomach only tightened.

“Ah, Doyoung, you’re here,” his father had greeted from his desk, there was an edge to his voice that was not usually present, “I would have sent a message, but I wanted to tell you in person.”

Doyoung felt his stomach drop before his father even uttered his next sentence.

“Mark’s funeral will be next Friday. I just thought you’d want to know.”

He doesn’t remember much after that, the explanation of a pick up gone wrong and getting attacked by some newcomer gang remain fuzzy in his head. It was an accident, Mark had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. That just means he died for nothing. All Doyoung could see was red. 

“His name is Jung Jaehyun,” his father had disclosed, “from the Neo gang.”

That was all Doyoung needed to know before he stormed out of the office, a plot of how he was going to ruin the bastard’s life already forming in his head.

Later on, when Doyoung was lying awake in bed and he gets a notification of a large money transfer into his account he realizes that his father had planned this all along. He had planned on Doyoung reacting like this and revealed his name for a reason. It smart of him, he wanted revenge as well but didn’t want to get his own hands dirty. Why would he when he had the person who cared most for Mark in the world to do it for him? He probably knew that Doyoung wouldn’t just kill him, that wasn’t his style, it would be too easy. It didn’t even matter anymore that this was exactly what his father had intended. He wanted to hurt Jaehyun to his core, force him to live down the consequences of his actions. He would find whatever it was Jaehyun held most valuable and rip it away from him before his own eyes.

-

Doyoung wakes up sore and sated. Jaehyun remains asleep beside him, snoring softly. He looks younger with his face relaxed like this, almost harmless, but Doyoung knows better of the cold-blooded killer residing behind the handsome face. He takes his time to stretch and pick up the clothes on the ground and pull them onto his naked body. He makes sure to put on Jaehyun’s shirt instead of his own before he quietly pads off into his kitchen to get breakfast started.

He probably could have done this all without sleeping with him, but he was impatient and Doyoung knew the fastest way to earn a man’s trust was through his dick. It helped a little that he wasn’t the worst lay. He needs to learn what makes Jaehyun tick, have him reveal what he holds most dear and what he cannot live without.

He hears footsteps entering the living room just as he finishes plating the last of the eggs. Jaehyun appears around the corner, in just his undershirt and jeans, looking confused. The moment he sees Doyoung and takes in his attire, he lets out a silent _ ah _. 

“Hi,” he says, shifting awkwardly on his feet, “I’m going to go now.”

“Are you in a hurry? At least stay for breakfast,” Doyoung says, gesturing towards the spread he’s carefully prepared.

Jaehyun’s eyes flicker towards to table as he contemplates it. Doyoung is quite proud of his skills in the kitchen and hopes that even gang members would have a hard time saying no to a home-cooked meal from him.

“I had a really good time last night,” he tries to say shyly, “the least I could do was make breakfast as a thank you.”

He puts on a pleading pout and watches as Jaehyun’s resolve slowly breaks. He gives a small nod and takes a seat at the table across from Doyoung, whether he’s guided by guilt or hunger, Doyoung doesn’t care. Next to sex, the second-fastest way to man’s heart was through his stomach. 

They eat in silence. It’s tense and awkward, or at least Jaehyun probably thinks so, but Doyoung pays that no mind. Any time he can get Jaehyun to spend with him is a step in the right direction. He smiles when he sees Jaehyun polish off his entire plate of food. Doyoung knows it’s good and the important thing now is that Jaehyun knows this too. 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun says politely, “but I really have to go now.”

Doyoung hums and starts the clear the dishes away. Jaehyun heads towards the doorway but doesn’t make any move to leave yet. Even with his back to him, Doyoung can tell he is fidgeting on the spot, trying to figure out how to ask his next question. Doyoung had planned for this. He turns around to face an uncomfortable-looking Jaehyun.

“What?” he says dumbly, “Don’t wanna leave yet?”

Jaehyun tenses up on the spot, “I need my shirt.”

Doyoung pretends to act surprised, looking down at shirt. “Oh right! I hope you don’t mind that I borrowed it for a bit, it’s really comfy,” he lowers his voice and bites his lip, “it smells like you too.”

Jaehyun doesn’t reply but it doesn’t escape Doyoung’s notice the way his eyes travel down his body and linger at where they skim to tops of Doyoung’s bare thighs. He almost doesn’t want to give it back, he’s certain he probably looks better in it than Jaehyun does. 

“Here you go,” he says, unbuttoning the shirt and stripping it off right in front of Jaehyun.

Jaehyun flushes as he accepts the shirt and tries not to look directly at Doyoung, who is now left in nothing but his boxers. Jaehyun’s self-control is strong, Doyoung notes, a weaker man would have pounced him by now. 

“Can we do this again?” Doyoung asks as Jaehyun rushes to pull his shirt on.

He knows the odds of him saying yes are low, but it doesn’t hurt to try. At the very least, he would have to deal with the guilt of rejecting him. 

Jaehyun looks surprised but quickly gathers his wits to answer, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Oh,” Doyoung says wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt to cover his bare torso and puts on the most devastated look he can muster.

For all intents and purposes, he needs to make it seem like he’s just been rejected by a guy he’s really fallen for over the course of one night. With the high level of chemistry they had last night, something Doyoung has personally made sure of, it’s an easy enough role to play and he doesn’t find it difficult to channel the right emotions.

“Okay,” he says quietly, looking down at his feet, “If that’s what you want then I’ll respect your decision.”

Jaehyun looks like he’s on the verge of saying something, maybe even changing his mind, but Doyoung doesn’t try to convince him any further. It’s risky to be too pushy so early on and Doyoung wants this all to unfold as organically as possible. He maintains a disappointed expression and gives him a little wave, watching as Jaehyun disappears out the door with a rushed goodbye. 

The second the door slams behind him, Doyoung lets his frown transform into a smile. He heads back to his bedroom and throws on a sweater and a pair of fleece bottoms. As effective as the little shirt stunt was, it was fucking freezing in the living room. He picks up his discarded clothes from the night before and rummages through the pockets of his jacket until he finds what he’s looking for. With a smirk, he pulls out a simple black wallet, one belonging to a certain Jung Jaehyun. Jaehyun had been so distracted by his hands all over his body last night that he didn’t even notice it when Doyoung took it.

He flips through the wallet, hoping to find something of use. He sorts through the cash and cards, snorting when he comes across a condom in there as well. _ Aha, _ he thinks as he pulls out a driver’s license, complete with Jaehyun’s identification information and address. He copies the address into his phone and carefully puts everything back.

He places the wallet onto his bedside table and decides to climb back into bed. It looked like he had a trip to make later today to the other side of the city, but for now, he deserved a nap for a successful first night.

-

Doyoung grumbles himself as he checks his watch again. He’s been waiting outside of Jaehyun’s house for the better part of half an hour now but he still hasn’t come home. It’s a modestly sized townhouse in a quiet suburban neighbourhood, not quite what he would have expected from a member of a violent criminal organization. It’s almost midnight and he had hoped that Jaehyun would be home, then again, it’s not like gangs kept regular hours.

Just when he’s about to give up and try again tomorrow, he sees a figure approaching the house. Even in the dark, his eyes are sharp and Doyoung instantly recognizes the figure to be Jaehyun. He can tell the exact moment Jaehyun spots him by the way he freezes on the spot and his hand instantly goes to reach inside his jacket, where Doyoung presumes he keeps his gun. His movements look nervous, something Doyoung had picked up on last night as well. He guesses that Jaehyun is pretty new to this line of work. It only makes Doyoung more angry that out of everyone, his brother had to killed by an amateur. His fingers twitch to reach for his own gun.

Doyoung takes a few steps forward, so that he can more easily be seen under the light of a nearby streetlamp. As soon as Jaehyun gets a proper look at his face, Doyoung sees his hands drop back down to his sides. He still looks tense, although it’s probably for a different reason now. Most people wouldn’t expect to come to to see their one-night-stand hanging out in front of their houses.

“Hi,” Doyoung says apologetically, “I know you didn’t want to see me again, but you forgot your wallet at my place and I thought I would stop by to drop it off. I hope you don’t mind I got your address off your license.”

Jaehyun looks at him dumbly as he holds up the wallet. His expression seems to soften, this was clearly not what he had expected. He takes the wallet from Doyoung.

“Thanks,” he says, still sounding like he’s in disbelief, “I was afraid I dropped it at the club or something.”

Doyoung gives a small shake of his head, “Nope, I found it under my bed. It must have fallen out when we, you know.”

He says the last part shyly, putting on a sad smile. He can tell Jaehyun doesn’t know what to do next. 

“Sorry again for coming here unannounced, I didn’t really have any of your contact info,” Doyoung says quietly, “It was nice to see you again. I guess I’ll get going now…”

He shifts slightly in the spot, taking his time to actually start walking away and making it seem like he doesn’t want to leave. He hopes he’s left enough for Jaehyun to take the bait. 

“Wait Doyoung,” Jaehyun says, looking surprised as the words leaving his own mouth, “do you need a ride home? You live pretty far.”

Doyoung feigns a look of pleased shock, “Would you really do that?”

Jaehyun looks torn, but nods his head anyway, “You returned my wallet, it’s only fair.”

“Thank you so much,” Doyoung says with wide eyes and a grateful smile, now all he had to do was figure out a way to get Jaehyun to come home with him again.

Turns out, it’s not so difficult for Doyoung to come up with a plan. The second Jaehyun leads him to his car, the gears are already turning in his head. The car is old, the paint chipped and rusted around the edges, he has a feeling that it's just about on its last legs by strange wheezing-like noise it lets out as Jaehyun starts the engine.

“Sorry,” Jaehyun murmurs, “I’ve been meaning to get a new car.”

Doyoung shakes his head and continues to smile at him, “I don’t care, this is more than enough.”

It’s a bit of a lengthy drive, so Doyoung decides to pass the time by chattering away. He’s always been good at talking, no matter the subject and the general idea is that by filling up the silence with his words he can get closer to Jaehyun. He talks about his job, little anecdotes about the patrons at the library he works at. It’s a little dull, but Doyoung hopes it comes off as endearing. If he were simply trying to get someone in bed, he’d usually try and make himself seem more exciting, but that wasn’t the goal with Jaehyun. He needed to forge a more _ authentic _ connection with him, one that would get him to start divulging all the important details about himself which Doyoung could use against him later on. 

Jaehyun doesn’t say much. He hums along and answers the occasional question Doyoung throws at him, but doesn’t go into much detail. Doyoung learns that Jaehyun is working as a bartender, _ to go along with his gang activities _ although he leaves that last part out of course. He avoids the question when Doyoung asks about his family and friends, replying with a simple _ I like to be alone _ before diverting the question back to Doyoung, who makes up some tale about his loving parents and brother that live overseas. He’s reminded of why he’s doing this and it only serves to fuel his determination, as he describes his fictional brother, using Mark as a basis. Jaehyun seems like he’s warming up, cracking a small smile every once in a while as Doyoung recounts silly stories from his “childhood”. 

By the time they arrive in Doyoung’s neighbourhood, which he is pleased that Jaehyun managed to find without even asking him for his address, it’s not difficult to convince him to make a quick stop at the 24hour burger joint across the street from his apartment. He knows Jaehyun didn’t get a chance to eat dinner and is probably just as hungry as he is right now. Besides, this was all an important step in his grand scheme.

Doyoung glances down at his phone as they pull into the parking lot. He unfastens his seatbelt but doesn’t move to get out of the car.

“Do you mind if I wait here while you go in and order? I promised my mom I’d call her and it should be around morning where she is.”

Jaehyun looks taken aback but doesn’t it question it. After all, it’s an innocent request that shouldn’t raise any suspicions. He takes Doyoung order before he heads out into the restaurant, leaving Doyoung all alone in the car. The second the door to the restaurant shuts, Doyoung leaps out of his seat and gets to work. He grateful the restaurant doesn’t have many windows, and even if it did, it was dark enough outside to hide him as he carefully pops the hood to the engine of Jaehyun’s car open. He’s no expert on cars, but with the flashlight of his phone, he locates a part that looks important and yanks it out, throwing it away in a nearby bush. He closes the hood and scrambles back into his seat, crossing his fingers that it is enough to stop the car from working. 

Jaehyun returns a few minutes later with two bags full of food. Doyoung pretends to be ending a call, just as Jaehyun climbs back into the car.

“I can’t thank you enough,” he gushes as Jaehyun hands over the food, “if you could just drop me off at my door, I’ll get out of your hair.”

Jaehyun sticks his key into the ignition and Doyong holds his breath. This is the moment of truth. The car releases a loud stuttering sound but fails to start. Jaehyun tries again a few times, but it’s all to no avail. He swears as the car fails to start for the fifth time, shaking his head in frustration and embarrassment. Fortunately, he doesn’t appear to think Doyoung has anything to do with the sudden breakdown of his car so he decides to simply sit quietly with a worried look on his face.

“Damn it,” Jaehyun’s head drops against the headrest of his seat, “I knew this would happen sooner or later.”

He turns to look at Doyoung, “Do you mind walking home from here? I know I said I’d drop you off at home but I don’t think I can manage that anytime soon.”

Doyoung reaches out and places his hand over Jaehyun’s which is currently tightly gripping his armrest. He flinches slightly at the unexpected touch but doesn’t pull away. 

“I don’t mind, I’m only just across the street,” he says, “But how are you going to get home? The trains stopped running over an hour ago.”

Jaehyun runs his free hand through his hair, letting out a loud exhale in frustration, “I don’t know, I'll figure something out.”

He doesn’t sound like he knows what he’s going to do at all, this is the perfect outcome for Doyoung. He gently plays with Jaehyun’s fingers beneath his and he looks up at him while biting his lip, “You can stay over at mine if you want? You’ve already slept over once last night so another night can’t hurt. It’s not safe to be travelling alone at this time of night.”

Jaehyun remains silent for a while but Doyoung can tell how badly he wants to accept. This just means that whatever reasons he has for wanting to refuse have nothing to do with his attraction to Doyoung itself. He wants to hi-five himself, even with how well they worked together in bed last night, he’s never had a target grow attached to him so quickly. Going into all this, Doyoung had initially been afraid he had lost his touch, but the slight blush creeping up Jaehyun’s cheek right now only proved otherwise.

Still, he doesn’t agree just yet. It’s understandable when you live the life of a criminal, it's not so easy to trust anyone, let alone a random stranger you slept with once. But this could be worked on slowly, so Doyoung takes his time. 

“I have a spare bedroom, it’s really no bother,” he suggests, although if all goes well tonight, the extra bedroom wouldn’t be necessary, “besides, I could use the company.”

That’s all the push Jaehyun needs to finally agree. “Okay,” he says, sounding a little breathless and Doyoung makes sure to squeeze his hand in assurance.

Once he has Jaehyun in the private confined space of his apartment, it’s easy to just creep into his personal space from where they are nestled on the couch together, the leftovers from dinner scattered on the coffee before them. Once he gets comfortable, Jaehyun makes for good conversation. He’s still guarded when it comes to revealing personal details about himself, but he laughs along to the dumb jokes that Doyoung tells and even begins to jump in with his own. Jaehyun doesn’t say anything when Doyoung puts a hand on his thigh or when he tilts his head to rest it lightly on Jaehyun’s shoulder. Despite having already slept together it’s a more intimate position than they’ve ever been in before, and from the intense stare Jaehyun is giving him, he’s noticed this too. 

It feels like a victory when Jaehyun leans in first to connect their lips, raising a hand to tentatively cup Doyoung’s cheek and pull him closer. Jaehyun leans back until he’s lying down on the couch, making sure to drag Doyoung along with his as he goes. Doyoung sighs into the kiss, letting out little moans of encouragement as Jaehyun nips lightly at his lips and grips his other hand on his hip. He supposes it’s a weird feeling to be kissing the person he’s supposed to hate most in the world, but Doyoung has learned long ago to detach feelings from physical pleasure. At the end of the day, this was a necessary means to an end, so he might as well enjoy it for what it is on a strictly physical level. 

So he does, shifting to properly straddle Jaehyun’s hips, all the while savouring the sensation of their tongues sliding against one another. Jaehyun may not be a mediocre gang member, but where he lacked talent in crime, he certainly made up for it in the way he kissed and fucked. Doyoung grinds himself down on Jaehyun crotch, earning a soft moan. Doyoung smirks against Jaehyun’s lips, it looks like he wouldn’t be needing the spare bedroom after all. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehe chapter 2 here we goooo

Doyoung pulls Jaehyun in by the collar of his shirt. He relishes in the warmth that floods his body as he presses their lips together in a gentle kiss. They take their time to part, and Jaehyun doesn’t make it easy for Doyoung to pull back with the way his arms lock firmly around his waist. 

“Let me go,” Doyoung says in between giggles as Jaehyun plants kisses down his neck, “I have to go to work.”

Jaehyun lets out an annoyed huff, but reluctantly lets go anyway. Doyoung lets a fond smile spread on his face as Jaehyun watches him put on his shoes and jacket with a pout. It still baffled him how someone as supposedly dangerous and heartless as Jaehyun could be so adorable sometimes. It’s not a thought he likes to entertain a lot, it’s already getting difficult for him to remember his original objective on days like these that feel so normal and domestic that Doyoung feels as if he’s slowly losing grip on reality.

“I’ll pick you up after work and we can go out for dinner,” Jaehyun says as Doyoung unlocks his front door, “you were craving Italian weren’t you?”

Doyoung hates how Jaehyun remembers something so menial and offhand, but his stomach is already growling at the prospect of pasta.

“Sure Jaehyunnie,” he says, not letting the smile falter from his face, “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

He quickly shuts the door behind him and lets out a sigh of relief that he didn’t even know he had been holding. Their morning routines usually go more or less like this, Doyoung leaving for the library early in the morning and leaving Jaehyun alone in his apartment. He doesn’t know exactly what the other man gets up to while he’s away at work but he has an idea so he thinks it’s easier if he just doesn’t question it.

It’s times like these when he’s alone on his walk to work that doubt begins to creep him and he wonders how the hell he had gotten himself into this situation. It’s been over a month since the night they met at the club. After their second night together, Jaehyun gave in easily when Doyoung had asked again to see him again. From there, contact information was exchanged and they begin to text back and forth. In this beginning, this was mostly sustained from Doyoung’s side, but by the end of the first week, Jaehyun was the one asking to take Doyoung on a proper date. If they were normal people with normal lives, this would have been considered that Hollywood movie moment where something just clicks and everything feels right. But it’s not a movie and they aren't normal people and their entire relationship is built on a mountain of secrets and lies. 

Of all the breakthroughs he had made on this self-imposed mission so far, that one had felt the most significant at the time. He had hoped it would put him one step closer to finding out what Jaehyun held dear but now, over a month later, Doyoung isn’t sure he’s gotten any further than where he started.

One date turned into several more, and soon Jaehyun was sleeping over at his apartment every night and calling him his boyfriend. It really wasn’t meant to get this far, in all his previous experience, Doyoung had never found himself in a proper relationship with a target. He had initially thought he would simply seduce Jaehyun, extract the information he needed, and ruin his life. With how easy it was to get Jaehyun to fall into his arms in the first place, this task was becoming deceptively hard.

It wasn’t like he didn’t answer any of Doyoung’s questions or even avoided talking about his life anymore. In fact, other than his gang affiliations, Jaehyun was quite transparent with him, especially late at night when they were cuddled up naked in bed after sex. Getting Jaehyun to open up wasn’t the issue, the issue was that it seemed like Jaehyun genuinely didn’t have anyone else in his life other than himself. He had no siblings and his parents had passed away when he was young, causing him to grow up in and out foster homes until he was old enough to live on his own. On top of all that, it didn’t seem like he had formed any sort of close friends or long-lasting relationships growing up either. Doyoung figures the broken childhood likely had something to do with his decision to join the Neo Gang. 

If Doyoung didn’t hate him so much, he might even feel sorry for Jaehyun. Maybe the reason why he had latched onto Doyoung so quickly was because he had been starved for attention from the lack of close relationships in his life. He holds out hope that this isn’t the case and he’s still withholding some parts of his life until he builds enough trust with him. He wracks his brain on how he is going to accomplish this but the only option he can come up with is to continue to ride out this ridiculous relationship he’s created for himself and see where it goes.

Doyoung is mentally exhausted when he arrives at work. It's not an uncommon state for him these days and lately, he's been starting to count down the hours until his shift ends from the moment he arrives. Like today, as he compulsively checks his watch as soon as he sits down. It's seven hours before he can leave, before his dinner date with Jaehyun. There's a part inside of him that looks forward to going out with Jaehyun, but he reasons this is probably just a subconscious reaction to never having someone to go home to before. The concept is nice, but he's all too aware the reality is not so simple.

The day passes like any other, he works on automatic as he helps check the library patrons out and organize the books. He reads to pass the time when it's dead, but it seems like even the most interesting novel can't keep his focus today.

It seems that Jaehyun is always at the forefront of his mind these days and it’s getting more difficult to justify how this is all simply a means to an end. Especially with all the strange, unfamiliar feelings that are starting to swirl in the pit of his stomach every time he sees Jaehyun. Feelings that amplify when they kiss or have sex, and feelings that kind of make him want to throw up if he thinks too hard about them. 

Obviously, Doyoung knows this is all a fake relationship and that he doesn’t have or would ever develop any sort of genuine feeling towards Jaehyun, but sometimes, things can get a little fuzzy when they are in the moment. As disconcerting as it is, he figures this all serves to make the relationship all the more convincing for Jaehyun. After all, Doyoung reasons that the best way to successfully pull off a lie is to start believing in it himself. As Doyoung has told himself since the beginning, it didn’t matter the personal consequence of this whole endeavour, his sole purpose here was to avenge Mark and he’d stop at no cost to achieve that. 

Jaehyun shows up at the library an hour early. He nearly makes an almost-asleep Doyoung jump out of his seat at the checkout desk with the amount of energy he bursts into the building with. He has a wide grin on his face and Doyoung belatedly realizes he’s smiling back at him as well. He allows Jaehyun to greet him with a quick peck on the cheek, using the excuse of being at work to avoid full-on lips on lips contact. Not that it’s really a valid excuse considering the fact that the library is entirely empty save for the two of them.

“What are you doing here so early,” he asks curiously, “I don’t end for another hour.”

Jaehyun shrugs, “I got bored and would come to keep you company until your shift finishes. I’ve always wanted to see you in action at work.”

Doyoung raises an eyebrow at him, he had found out early on that Jaehyun was a peculiar one but it was during times like these that he really questions how Jaehyun’s mind works.

“You’re wasting your time then,” Doyoung tries to explain, “I literally just sit here.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, “It’s still better than being alone. I wouldn’t consider any time I spend with you a waste.”

Doyoung bites his tongue as he tries to tamp down the strange feeling growing in his stomach again. He watches as Jaehyun gets comfortable in one of the lounge chairs across from him, picking up a stray book from the table and flipping through it mindlessly. 

“So what made you want to be a librarian in the first place?” Jaehyun asks, “Were you one of those kids who always at their nose in a book growing up?

The truthful answer was no, Doyoung never did much reading as a child nor did he even enjoy it all that much. As a kid, he found movies and tv shows more interesting and as an adult, his life was already wild enough that he didn’t require any sort of additional entertainment. He had chosen to become a librarian because he wanted as inconspicuous of a career as possible after leaving the SM group. Reading was a hobby he had been forced into given the circumstances. It wasn’t so bad though, the made-up stories in novels helped to make up for the lack of real excitement in his life.

“Yes,” Doyoung answers, looking away as if to recall a non-existent childhood memory, “You should have seen the size of my bookshelf. I wanted to be a librarian for as long as I could remember.”

He hopes his answer sounds genuine. Young Doyoung probably owned more guns than books.

Jaehyun lets out an interested hum, “You’re one of the lucky ones then. I’m sure you can guess that I didn’t always want to be a bartender, but sometimes life just happens that way.”

Doyoung nods. He knows Jaehyun isn’t actually a bartender and it’s simply the excuse Jaehyun uses to explain all his odd hours when he’s really meeting up with the Neo gang. He debates whether he should use this as an opportunity to press further about Jaehyun’s “job” but decides against it in the end. He doesn’t want to risk Jaehyun getting suspicious, or worse, shutting down completely on him. So instead, Doyoung checks his watch before getting up loudly out of his chair.

“Seeing as no-one else is here, I think it wouldn’t hurt to close up a little earlier,” he announces, “you promised me Italian and I’m starving.”

Jaehyun eyes light up as he leaps out of his own seat and scrambles to Doyoung’s side as he quickly cleans up his desk for the day. This time he gives in when Jaehyun leans in for a kiss.

-

“_ What’s your progress on your mission? It’s already been a month and I know you usually work faster than this. _” 

Doyoung pulls at his own hair, regreting the second he decided to answer the call from his father. He’s been declining the last few but knows that if he keeps this up, he will eventually be physically dragged back to his father’s office. He wants to scoff at how his father isn’t even trying to pretend anymore and is fully acting like this was a mission he had assigned Doyoung personally. 

“I’m working on it,” Doyoung answers, “it will take some time but I can’t risk messing up everything I’ve done so far by rushing. Everything I do is for Mark and it will all be worth it in the end.”

“_Fine,_ _I trust you not to mess this up,_” is all he says before he hangs up with a click.

Doyoung puts his phone down so he doesn’t accidentally throw it across the room in frustration. It _ has _ to work out, it _ has _to all be worth it in the end; Doyoung has no other option. 

-

Jaehyun pulls Doyoung along by the hand, urging him to hurry up. They’ve decided to go to the beach for their date today and Doyoung is already regretting the decision. It’s windy and sandy and as Jaehyun drags Doyoung closer and closer to the shoreline, all he can think about is going home where it’s warm and dry. He’s spent his entire life in this city and has never gone to the beach once; he’s never had any desire or reason to. If it weren’t for Jaehyun musing about how he’s always wanted to go to the beach and Doyoung’s objective to be an ideal boyfriend, he would have never suggested the idea. Maybe he should have just kept his mouth shut. He’s sure Jaehyun would have been just as happy at an aquarium or art gallery or anywhere else that was _ indoors. _

“Slow down,” Doyoung gasps out but makes sure to keep a smile on his face.

While he might not be enjoying this on the inside, _ Doyoung the perfect boyfriend _ was supposed to be having the time of his life. Jaehyun laughs and stops completely, letting go of Doyoung’s hand in the process. Doyoung doesn’t even have a moment to be relieved before Jaehyun wraps his arms around his torso and hoists him up and over his shoulder with a tight grip, marching straight towards the sea. Screw the perfect boyfriend image, Doyoung yelps the second his feet lift off the ground and immediately starts chanting pleas at Jaehyun to put him down. He stops himself from trying to kick and thrash in Jaehyun’s arms, knowing it will only increase his risks of being dropped.

Jaehyun only laughs at Doyoung’s protests, stopping only when he gets to the edge of the water where he finally puts him down. Doyoung nearly yells when he touches the ground, rushing to cling onto Jaehyun when he realizes they are out far enough for the waves to reach their feet. The water is cold and although he wore his waterproof sandals just in case, he had zero intention of getting wet today. Jaehyun seems unbothered by the water, kicking and splashing at it with a wide grin on his face.

Doyoung crosses his arms and pouts at Jaehyun, trying his best to look cute. He knows Jaehyun likes him when he tries to be cute. He lets out a little whining noise he hopes sounds endearing but Jaehyun only continues to laugh at him.

“It’s only a little water,” Jaehyun says before opening his arms, “come here.”

Doyoung gives Jaehyun a little glare but heads straight into his arms anyway. At least this would help warm him up a bit as Jaehyun was perpetually warm. 

“Mmm’cold,” he mumbles into Jaehyun’s neck, which he’s now wrapped his arms tightly around.

Jaehyun hums but relents, guiding Doyoung back up, away from the shore and onto the dry beach. Doyoung cringes at the way the sand sticks to his wet feet but at least he’s safe from the waves now. 

“I didn’t know you were such a big baby,” Jaehyun teases, poking Doyoung lightly in the side, “I’ll keep your fear of water in mind for next time.”

Doyoung frowns, “I’m not afraid of anything.”

He leads them towards a picnic table, sighing in relief when he finally gets to sit down and start to figure out how he was going to clean his feet off. Jaehyun’s feet look just as sandy but unlike Doyoung, he remains unbothered.

“Oh yeah?” Jaehyun asks, “Invincible, are you? No weaknesses at all?”

Doyoung shakes his head. It’s true. As picky as he was about certain things, like sand and water, for example, he had been raised to have no fears. Having any sort of vulnerability ran the risk of enemies finding out these weaknesses and taking advantage of them, kind of like what Doyoung was trying to do to Jaehyun right now.

“What about you? What’s _ your _ biggest weakness?” he asks, throwing the question right back at Jaehyun.

Since he had brought up the topic anyway, Doyoung might as well use this as a chance to dig for more information. 

Jaehyun chuckles, “Why do you want to know? Planning on using it against me?”

Doyoung giggles in an attempt to hide the way Jaehyun’s reply has his hair is standing on its ends. He knows he’s only joking, but the relevancy of his words can’t help but make him feel a bit unsettled. 

“Why would I ever need to do that?” he asks, hoping to continue the lighthearted mood, “You’re so perfect, it’s not like you would have any weaknesses anyway.”

Jaehyun scoffs lightly, reaching out to grab Doyoung’s hand into his, “I could say the same thing about you.”

Doyoung rolls his eyes, expecting the topic to be dropped, but is surprised to find Jaehyun’s face has turned serious in contemplation.

“I think my greatest weakness is my fear of being alone,” he says after a long pause, “which is funny because I’m terrible at forming close relationships and great at isolating myself from just about everyone.”

Doyoung tries not to sigh, this answer is just more of the same of what he already knows. 

“What about me?” he asks, curious as to how Jaehyun will answer this one.

Jaehyun gives him a little smile, “Well you’re an exception of course.”

Doyoung feels a pang of pity for Jaehyun, one he’s been feeling a lot lately. He looks away, pretending to be all shy from Jaehyun’s answer. He’s lucky it’s chilly enough outside that his cheeks are already red enough that he doesn’t have to try and fake a blush.

Jaehyun takes his other hand and lifts Doyoung’s chin back up to face him.

“I answered, so now it’s your turn,” Jaehyun declares, “I’m sure you must have some sort of weakness.”

Doyoung stares at him for a while, trying to come up with an answer. He wants to come off as genuine without making himself appear too vulnerable either.

“My greatest weakness is you,” he decides on, hoping his voice sounds believable.

Jaehyun’s eyes widen and he bites his lip to hold back a pleased smile. Even the cold can’t hide the blush that forms on his face. 

-

Doyoung flips the invitation over in his hand, debating if he should just throw it in the trash. It’s an invite to his father’s annual Christmas gala, an excuse to eat, drink, and pretend they are all a part of the classy, wealthy elite instead of the violent, criminal underground. He knows his father expects him to go, but the last thing Doyoung wants to do is put on a suit and rub shoulders with a bunch of glorified drug dealers. He knows that not going would send a negative message to his father who has likely been itching for an update on the whole Jaehyun revenge plot situation.

“What do you have there?” Doyoung nearly flinches when he hears a voice ask curiously from behind him and sees a head peek over his shoulder.

Jaehyun had been dead asleep when he left the bed this morning and he hadn’t been expecting him to get up for at least another hour. Jaehyun wraps an arm around Doyoung in a lazy back hug and gives him a quick peck on the cheek. He knows there’s no use hiding the invitation now, Jaehyun had already seen it and any attempt to conceal it would just look suspicious. Doyoung lets him pluck the invitation out of his hand to inspect it closer.

“Christmas gala,” Jaehyun reads, “Sounds fancy. Did your dad invite you?”

As far as Jaehyun is concerned, his father is just another snobby business executive that Doyoung happens to have a complicated relationship with. It wasn’t entirely untrue, officially, his father held a legitimate job, but unofficially, it was another part of his complicated front for the SM Group. 

“Yes,” Doyoung says stiffly, leaning backwards to rest his weight against Jaehyun’s chest with a sigh, “I’m debating whether I should go or not.”

“It could be fun,” Jaehyun suggests, “If anything, go for the free food.”

Doyoung twists his head back to pull Jaehyun in for a kiss, partly because he needs a distraction to buy him time to come up with a game plan. Jaehyun lets the invitation flutter to the floor and uses his free hands to turn the rest of Doyoung’s body around before reaching up to cup his face and deepen the kiss. “Maybe I should just stay in with you instead,” Doyoung mumbles against his lips.

It’s not really the smartest solution but it’s the best Doyoung can come up with when his mind is beginning to go fuzzy from the feeling of Jaehyun hot tongue exploring the inside his mouth. Doyoung groans when Jaehyun pulls away and gives him a look.

“As nice as that sounds,” Jaehyun says, “I think you should go. Your dad took the time to invite you and it would be rude to reject family.”

Doyoung buries his face into Jaehyun’s neck to hide his look of frustration. _ What the hell did an orphan like Jaehyun know about family anyway? _ Nevertheless, Doyoung knew from the moment he saw the invitation he really had no other option. All this time spent on entertaining the idea that he had a choice in the matter was really just a sorry attempt to make himself feel better about the situation.

“Will you go with me?” Doyoung asks quietly into Jaehyun’s ear.

It’s a risky move to take Jaehyun. He doubts anyone will recognize him, but his father will likely know instantly who he is. While this could be a chance to prove to him that he’s actually actively doing something towards the stupid mission, it could also backfire and send him the wrong idea. Despite all this, the thought of bringing Jaehyun along with him almost makes the prospects of the gala seem more bearable. At least then he would just cling onto him and have an excuse not to make small talk with a bunch of sleazy businessmen and criminals. Doyoung just hopes that his father really meant it when he said he trusted him. 

“If you want me to, then I’ll go,” Jaehyun replies finitely, using his hands to trace comforting lines down Doyoung’s back.

-

Doyoung feels his heart rate quickly the moment he steps into the hall. The hand clasped in his tightens and he looks over to see Jaehyun smiling nervously. He can tell by the lack of colour in his face that he’s not in much better shape than him. He knows Jaehyun isn’t one for crowds and the one before them is probably larger than anything Jaehyun has ever faced before.

Doyoung’s eyes dart anxiously around the room, taking in all the uncomfortably familiar faces as he plots his route of who to avoid. He spots the bar in the corner and makes a beeline towards it, pulling Jaehyun along with him. If he was going to make it through this night, he needed some alcohol in him. 

He orders two glasses of wine, handing one over to Jaehyun who gives him a grateful smile and downs half of it in one go. 

“Relax,” Doyoung leans in to whisper to Jaehyun, “you look like someone is out to get you.”

Jaehyun lets out an embarrassed laugh and nods, relaxing slightly at Doyoung’s words. They aren’t true, a good portion of the room likely wouldn’t hesitate to be at Jaehyun’s throat if they found out who he is. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles, “I’m just not used to this.”

Doyoung tries to give him a reassuring smile, “Me neither.”

He takes a deep breath and a sip of his wine. They couldn’t stand huddled in the corner forever, it would look suspicious. Even if he wasn’t physically in the main hall right now, Doyoung knows his father has eyes everywhere, including on him. He guides Jaehyun towards a group he recognizes as low-level workers on the legal side of his father’s business. These people were as clueless as Jaehyun about the true nature of this event and it would be a safe bet to hide out with them for the rest of the night.

“Doyoung!” an excited voice greets him as he approaches, “I haven’t seen you since you left the company! What are you doing here?”

The rest of the group makes similar exclamations at Doyoung’s presence and he can’t help but smile. He had forgotten how carefree and friendly they were and it’s a refreshing welcome. Back when he worked for his father, he used to think they were naive and unimportant, but looking back, maybe he was the naive one. They were far happier at this ridiculous, stuffy event than Doyoung would ever be.

Doyoung smiles turning to each of them in greeting, wracking his brain as he tries to remember their names, “Hi Jungwoo, Taeil, Sicheng, Yuta, it’s been a while. My father invited me to come today. How are you all doing?”

“Same old around here. We should be asking you that instead. It’s not every day someone decides to restart their career and become a librarian,” Jungwoo says before turning to eye Jaehyun beside him, “It looks like you’ve been busy, whose this?”

Doyoung chuckles, “This is Jaehyun, my boyfriend.”

The words feel strange on his tongue, he’s never introduced Jaehyun as his boyfriend before and it only serves to make everything feel all the more real. It’s almost as if he’s really introducing his new boyfriend to a group of old friends. 

Jaehyun blushes at the statement. It’s also the first time Doyoung has directly called Jaehyun his boyfriend in front of him. While Jaehyun loved to throw the word around, Doyoung had always found it difficult to admit their relationship so explicitly. As much as Doyoung is well aware it’s only part of the role he is playing, it almost felt wrong to say those words out loud.

Doyoung’s ex-coworkers coo over Jaehyun and begin to bombard them with questions about how long they’ve been together and how they met. He can tell that Jaehyun is still slightly nervous and unused to making small talk, but the group does a good job of making Jaehyun feel welcome in their conversations. One less thing to worry about.

He uses this as an opportunity to take a backseat in the conversation and scope out the crowd. He spots a group standing off to the side of the hall and tries to mask the shiver that runs down his spine. _ His father’s men. _ The biggest and the baddest, dressed up in their expensive suits while sipping on their expensive champagne. One of them seems to sense Doyoung’s eyes on him and turn to make eye contact with him. He raises an eyebrow at Doyoung and tilts his head towards the direction of the bathrooms. He gives a tight smile and a slight nod. It was only a matter of time before someone would check up on him tonight so he might as well get it over with now. 

“If you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to quickly use the restroom,” Doyoung interrupts, “I trust you guys to look after Jaehyun?”

He receives a flurry of reassurances before they all turn back to their conversations. Jaehyun sends him a panicked look and Doyoung tries his best to give Jaehyun’s arm a comforting squeeze before he steps away towards the direction of the restroom. He doesn’t like the idea of leaving Jaehyun alone, but there was no way he could follow him into this meeting. 

“I was surprised when I heard your father left you in charge of avenging Mark.”

Doyoung bristles at the voice. They are alone inside the restroom now, with the door locked just to be safe.

“Johnny,” he greets stiffly, “good to see you too.”

Johnny’s mouth spreads into a wide grin, one that Doyoung would almost believe is genuine if he didn’t know better. Like, Doyoung, Johnny was trained to charm and deceive. Back in the day, the two of them even worked together on occasion. Doyoung was good, but Johnny was always better at separating his emotions from his work. Even Doyoung couldn’t keep up with someone so heartless, which was part of the reason why he left in the first place.

“You know I’m always happy to see your pretty face,” he says, “SM Group just isn’t the same without you around anymore.”

Doyoung shrugs, not wanting to get into a conversation about his departure. Johnny takes the hint and steers the focus towards why they are really here, “I see you brought Mark’s murderer with you tonight.”

Doyoung tries his best not to flinch at the words. Johnny continues, “I must say your strategy is brilliant. He looks utterly smitten with you. You could probably crush him to pieces anytime you wanted to.”

Doyoung swallows, “That’s the plan.”

Johnny makes a noise that sounds halfway between a scoff and a laugh. “Your father is asking why it’s taking so long,” his tone is serious now, “we just want to make sure you still have the original objective in mind. It’s a given that he looks at you like a lovesick idiot, but the way you look back at him could have fooled me as well.”

Doyoung clenches his teeth and fights the heat threatening to creep up his face, “I’m just good at what I do, so please just let me do it.”

The words come out snappier than he would have liked, but there’s nothing he can do now. Johnny is treading on some dangerous territory and he has no choice but to defend himself. Wasn’t it supposed to be a good thing that the way he looked at Jaehyun was believable? 

Johnny stares at him for a few moments, as if trying to read his face. Doyoung tries to remain expressionless to not betray any sort of emotion. As if there was any sort of emotion to betray anyway. Johnny eventually looks away and shrugs, “Since you’re the expert, I’ll leave you to it. I just hope you mean it because I’m looking forward to seeing the bastard suffer.”

With that, Johnny gives a half-hearted wave and unlocks the door, leaving Doyoung alone. He takes a few deep breathes before heading back out again, locating Jaehyun with ease and feeling more relieved when he finds him laughing along to a stupid story Yuta is telling. He squeezes himself beside him and wraps an arm around Jaehyun’s waist, who instinctively snuggles closer. He’s had enough of this stupid gala and he wants to go home. He knows it’s might look rude to leave early but appearances be damned, all Doyoung wants to do is bury himself into his bed, maybe with Jaehyun wrapped around him.

“Let’s get out of here,” he mouths at Jaehyun.

He gives him a questioning look but nods anyway. The two of them bid their goodbyes and Doyoung impatiently waits for everyone to finish up their goodbye hugs and well-wishes before dragging Jaehyun towards the exit.

“What was that all about, are you okay?” Jaehyun asks as soon as they’re outside, the fresh air doing wonders at clearing Doyoung’s head.

“I’m fine,” Doyoung says, “I just needed to get out of there. I ran into someone I used to work with and they reminded me why I left in the first place.”

Jaehyun nods in understanding and doesn’t question him further. He holds onto him tighter and presses a kiss into his hair. “How about we go grab some takeout and spend the rest of the night cuddling instead?”

“Okay,” Doyoung agrees easily. 

He likes the sound of this plan, the smile spreading across his face taking minimal effort.


	3. Chapter 3

If Doyoung was a weaker person he would just ignore it when things felt a little off or didn’t go his way. It’s human nature to turn a blind eye to things that seemed odd and live comfortably in ignorance. But Doyoung isn’t a weak person, nor was he ever very good at ignoring anything, especially when he’s been trained all his life to be more perceptive than most.

This is why when Doyoung comes home today, he can immediately tell that something is different, wrong about the way Jaehyun greets him at the door. His actions are the same as always, rushing up to him before he’s even properly stepped foot into the apartment and sweeping him up into a sweet kiss. It’s all the same, yet his motions feel different today, stiffer and there’s a cloudy look behind his eyes that makes Doyoung think that Jaehyun’s mind is elsewhere.

This could mean anything though, and Doyoung knows it’s too early to panic. Jaehyun often wore his emotions on his sleeve and he proved to be more of a sensitive person than Doyoung would have initially expected. It wasn’t uncommon for him to have an off day and it could be attributed to anything. So Doyoung doesn’t mention it, at least not right away. He carries on his day as normal, making them dinner before the two of them pile on the couch and throw on a movie in the background. 

Jaehyun doesn’t have to go to work today, in fact, he’s been going to work less and less these days, using some bullshit excuse about the bar cutting back hours. Doyoung doesn’t question this either, after all, he much preferred Jaehyun passing his time at home, rather than off at meetings with the Neo Gang. 

Doyoung observes and waits all evening until they are finally cuddled up in bed for the night before he finally has to say something. Their limbs are tangled with each others’ and his head rests against Jaehyun chest but Doyoung can still feel that he’s tenser than ever and he can’t take it anymore.

“Are you okay?” he asks softly, holding his breath as he waits for Jaehyun to reply.

Jaehyun shifts slightly against him, not expecting the sudden question. “I’m fine,” he says quickly, “just got a lot on my mind.”

Doyoung hums but the answer gets him nowhere. He starts to trace soft circles against Jaehyun’s skin with his fingertips in hopes of encouraging Jaehyun further.

“What are you thinking about?”

He tries to sound clueless. Like a curious worried boyfriend who just wants to know what’s on his mind.

“You,” Jaehyun states after a pause and Doyoung feels his heart rate speed up.

He’s the last thing he wants Jaehyun to be thinking about. Sometimes he fears there’s only so long Jaehyun can be so naive before he starts catching onto their farce of a relationship. _ Was his acting really that convincing? _ Johnny seemed to think so but even Doyoung has a hard time believing anyone could be strung along for so long. 

“What about me?” he asks carefully, unsure if he wants to know the answer.

It takes Jaehyun a moment to reply. He twists around in Doyoung’s arms to face him first before he does so. He looks at him with wide eyes, shining with just the slightest trace of tears. There’s a tiredness behind his gaze that makes him look so vulnerable right now. 

“I’m thinking about how lucky I am to have you,” Jaehyun says slowly, eyes looking deep into his.

He looks like he’s searching for something, something that Doyoung isn’t sure he’d ever be able to find. Doyoung feels his throat dry up, but it’s not like he’d be able to come up with a reply to this anyway. Not when it’s so late and he’s both physically and mentally exhausted. 

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun whispers, “please don’t leave me.”

One thing that Jaehyun’s never done in the entire time they’ve been together is catch him properly off guard. Doyoung had always found him easy to read and never had any difficulty predicting his actions and behaviours. Everything Jaehyun did was simple and straightforward. But this desperate plea that comes out of his mouth in the middle of the night is neither simple nor straightforward.

An increasingly familiar feeling begins to bubble deep in his chest, one that he’s spend countless hours trying to push back down with no avail. He used to think it was just pity, but the longer he spends in Jaehyun’s arms, the more this _ pity _ starts to taste more like guilt. It frightens Doyoung, he has no business feeling any ounce of guilt for what he’s doing to Jaehyun. He’s not supposed to, _ he’s not allowed to _. Yet here he is, sick to his stomach with guilt that Jaehyun doesn’t deserve.

It’s strange because alongside the guilt, his initial anger definitely still exists as well. That hasn’t gone away even if it’s no longer as persistent and harsh as it once was. It flares up every time Doyoung sees something that reminds him of Mark or as he bids Jaehyun goodbye when he leaves for “work” in the evenings.

All this time Doyoung had been concerned about if this relationship seemed real when maybe he should have spent more time being worried about whether it seemed _ too real _. Doyoung isn’t sure if he should fight his rising urge to pull Jaehyun closer. He doesn’t.

“Don’t worry,” he says as gently as he can manage, “I promise I won’t.”

He steps into the role easily, holding Jaehyun’s gaze with his best attempt to sound loving and genuine. For just a second Doyoung almost believes it himself, so he only hopes it is enough to convince Jaehyun. It’s a bold face lie, but then again, when was anything Doyoung ever said to Jaehyun not.

It seems to work because the tension in Jaehyun’s body releases as he curls closer to Doyoung as well. It doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep from here. Doyoung listens and waits for his breathing to even out before he can allow himself to relax as well, or at least his body. His mind is still racing with Jaehyun words and as it tries and fails to come up with any sort of explanation as to what Doyoung was supposed to do now. He thought he had a plan going into this, but now he barely knows what he’s going to do from each day to the next. He’s well aware of what his father wants but when it comes to what he, himself truly desires, he’s not so sure anymore. He knows he’s here for revenge, but revenge now feels like a far-off childish fantasy that he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to attain, if he even still wanted to attain it anymore.

These are the thoughts that hurt his head the most so he decides that for tonight he’ll let them rest. He’ll let himself rest and focus on the warmth of Jaehyun next to him and allow the soft sounds of his breathing to lull him to sleep instead.

-

Sometimes Doyoung is afraid he could just drown in Jaehyun’s arms, and during times like these when they are naked and pressed close against each other, hungry lips against hungry lips, Doyoung thinks he just might. It’s far too easy to lose himself in the feeling and he’s given up trying to find anything to ground himself. Not when Jaehyun tastes so sweet on his tongue and his entire body feels like it’s on fire, each touch of Jaehyun’s fingers against his skin is hot and lingering. It’s shameful how he’s begun to crave this feeling, crave Jaehyun against him, inside him. 

Jaehyun’s hands slip lower down his body, carefully caressing every inch until they find a place that has Doyoung moaning loudly into his mouth. He used to hold himself back more. Now he doesn’t see the point, not when he feels so damn good. Doyoung thinks it will probably be forever imprinted in his mind, the feeling of Jaehyun’s hips snapping against his, and the sounds of his low groans as he loses himself in the pleasure.

If Jaehyun’s body was a drug then Doyoung thinks he just might be addicted. It’s a dangerous drug that brings with it not only an euphoric high of pleasure and heat, but also a bitter comedown of horrible guilt and longing for something Doyoung’s not sure he understands. It’s fragile and unsustainable, but addicts don’t just stop doing drugs even if they know it’s bad for them and Doyoung is an addict so he doesn’t stop. 

-

They are Jaehyun’s place today. With all the time Jaehyun spends at Doyoung’s apartment, it’s odd for either of them to be here. In fact, the only reason they are there is to help Jaehyun pack up more of his things to bring over to Doyoung’s place. He’s practically half-moved in at this point. Doyoung tries to avoid thinking about how serious this relationship is becoming. Even if it was built on a foundation of lies, it’s the most serious relationship he’s ever been in and will likely ever be in again.

“Baby, how many sets of clothes do think I should pack?” Jaehyun asks as he rifles through his drawers, pulling something out occasionally and throwing it at Doyoung who sits cross-legged on his bed.

“At this rate, you’re going to end up bringing your whole closet,” Doyoung says as he carefully folds Jaehyun’s clothes, placing them in neat piles around him.

Jaehyun turns around and looks at him with a small smile, “Would that be such bad thing? You have the room and it saves me trips back here. I’m thinking of not renewing the lease to this place once it expires anyway.”

“Did you just invite yourself to move in with me?” Doyoung asks with a raised eyebrow.

He maintains a calm composure on the outside, but on the thought of Jaehyun actually moving in sets his insides on fire. Jaehyun, on the other hand, seems visibly affected by the accusation, his face rapidly flushing red all the way up to the tips of his ears.

“Would you let me?” he asks shyly.

_ Yes _. That’s the automatic answer that rings through Doyoung’s head before he even has a chance to properly think about the repercussions of actually moving in with Jaehyun.

“I’d let you do anything.”

The answer seems to appease Jaehyun immensely as he turns back to continue sorting through his clothes, all the while struggling to hold back a satisfied smile. If Doyoung’s own lips curl up at the sight, he doesn’t acknowledge it. 

The sound of the doorbell interrupts them.

“I’ll get it, that must be our food,” Jaehyun says before he scrambles quickly to the door.

“Hurry up I’m hungry,” Doyoung calls out as he watches Jaehyun disappear out of his bedroom.

Their takeout has taken long enough to arrive and he’s near starving at this point. Doyoung lays back on the bed with a sigh. He’s feeling a bit tired for he decides to rest for a moment as he waits for Jaehyun to set up the table and call him out to eat. A few minutes pass and nothing happens.

He’s about to yell at Jaehyun and ask him what’s taking so long when he hears an unfamiliar voice coming from the living room. He hears Jaehyun’s voice reply but he can’t make out the words from where he is. As carefully and quietly as possible, Doyoung climbs out of Jaehyun’s bed and creeps towards the bedroom door. He slowly steps into the hallway, pressing himself against the wall to remain unseen until he’s close enough to make out the voices. All his senses are on edge and he strains his ears to listen in on the conversation.

“Where the fuck have you been?” he hears a gruff voice ask, sounding clearly irritated, “you’ve been missing meetings for weeks now and boss isn’t too happy about it.”

_ Shit _, Doyoung thinks, this is Neo gang related. If Doyoung’s honest, he hasn’t thought about the Neo gang for a while now, with how little Jaehyun went to “work” nowadays, it feels like a ice cold splash of water to have a gang member knocking on Jaehyun’s door asking after him. He leans forward slightly and tries for the millionth time to remind himself that this is just a job. He tells himself he’s only eavesdropping because it could be a chance to collect important information.

“I’ve been busy with personal stuff,” Jaehyun replies weakly and Doyoung cringes at how nervous he sounds.

If Doyoung were the other gang member, he’d immediately know something was up. 

“Yeah I heard you got yourself a little boyfriend,” the man says roughly, “how’d a fucking loner like yourself manage that?”

Jaehyun chooses to remain quiet for this question.

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter who you’re fucking,” the man continues, “it’s not excuse to be missing meetings. If you don’t show up to the next meeting, boss is going to have your neck.”

Jaehyun lets out a meek “okay” and the man scoffs, “He says he has an important assignment for you although I can’t imagine what a useless piece of shit like you could be good for.” 

Doyoung doesn’t know why he bristles at the words. He doesn’t know why he feels the urge into the room, punch the man in the face and tell him to shut up. Doyoung vaguely notices how tightly he’s squeezing his nails in the palms of his hands. He has no reason to care about some lowlife gang member calling his fake boyfriend names.

“I promise I’ll be there,” Jaehyun assures him.

There’s still an obvious shakiness in his voice but he has managed to sound much clearer than before. Doyoung stops himself when he catches himself mentally encouraging Jaehyun on. Again, _ why should he care? _

“You better,” the man says with an air of finality before Doyoung hears the front door open loudly before banging shut again.

He also hears Jaehyun let out a large sigh of relief after the man leaves. Doyoung counts to ten slowly, before he pushes himself off the wall and begins to walk into the living room. He’s decided that he’s going to play dumb. Pretend he didn’t hear anything all the way from the bedroom and act clueless about the whole exchange. It’s not a good idea for Doyoung to get too close to Jaehyun’s gang activities, and for him “find out” about Jaehyun’s double life as a gang member could ruin everything.

He quietly enters the living room to find Jaehyun standing on the centre with a blank look on his face. Doyoung’s heart involuntarily clenches. 

“Jaehyunnie?” Doyoung calls out and Jaehyun’s eyes snap up to his and flash with panic for a moment, “What was that? I thought I heard voices coming from the living room but I didn’t want to intrude.”

Jaehyun looks mildly relieved and Doyoung is ready to move on as it seems that Jaehyun is buying his clueless act when his eyes dart over to the side table next to Jaehyun and he sees something that ruins everything. It takes all of Doyoung’s energy not the groan out loud. _ Jaehyun was such an idiot _.

Jaehyun follows his line of sight and his eyes immediately fill again with panic as when he sees a gun lying on the table, unmistakable and clear.

“Damnit,” Jaehyun scrambles to grab the gun and quickly toss it inside the drawer underneath the table, “Doyoung I can explain.”

Doyoung can only shake his head in disbelief. Jaehyun looks like he right about to burst into tears.

“I’m so so sorry, I haven’t been truthful with you,” he starts to ramble frantically, stepping closer to Doyoung, “I don’t actually work at a bar and I’m part of criminal group called the Neo gang.”

Doyoung wants to tell Jaehyun to stop talking. He shakes his head again, why was Jaehyun making this worse, why couldn’t he have just kept his mouth shut. He could have played the gun off as something else, lots of people owned guns for self-defense. The last thing Doyoung wanted Jaehyun to do was spill his deepest darkest secret to him, now he couldn’t pretend to be ignorant even if he wanted to.

“I need you to hear me out,” Jaehyun continues, there are now tears freely falling from his face as he tries to explain himself, “I was a troubled kid and I didn’t have family or anywhere else to go. I thought this was my only option and I didn’t care about anything in life, until I met you. When I met you everything changed and I know you deserve better I should have just walked away but I’m selfish and couldn’t bring myself to leave you. 

I thought that maybe if I withdrew myself from the gang I could start over and I was even considering going back to school but then he showed up today and threatened me if I don’t go back. I’m so stupid, I don’t know why I thought I could just leave the gang like that and now you’re going break up with me or call the police on me but I can’t keep lying to you because I love you so much, I’m so sorry Doyoung.”

_ How the hell was Doyoung supposed to respond to that? _ He’s rendered absolutely speechless, jaw hanging open in shock. Jaehyun chokes sobs as he looks at Doyoung in fear and anticipation. In all the potential scenarios he’d ran through in his head, Doyoung hadn’t planned for _ this _ to happen and he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says again in between sobs, “Doyoung, please, I love you.”

Doyoung doesn’t know why his chest throbs with so much pain to see Jaehyun so wrecked up and he kind of wants to just run over and wrap him up in his arms and tell him it’s okay. But he doesn’t, because he knows that wouldn’t make sense and would only make himself look suspicious. He doubts any normal person would have such a calm reaction after finding out his boyfriend was a dangerous gang member.

So he stumbles back instead and puts his arms out in front of him to “defend” himself from Jaehyun. Although, he’s not sure where he’s going with this little act or what his desired outcome is anymore.

“No, no, no,” Doyoung breathes out, “Gang? What? Who are you?”

Doyoung pulls at his own hair and he knows he must look hysterical at this point. He takes another step back when Jaehyun tries to come closer.

“Have you ever killed anyone before?”

Doyoung isn’t sure how the question slips out but it the moment it does, he sees Jaehyun’s face completely fall. If Doyoung didn’t already know the answer, Jaehyun’s expression would have given it away in a second. 

“Only once,” Jaehyun whispers and Doyoung feels the nausea building inside of him as he instantly regrets opening this can of worms.

“I didn’t mean to,” Jaehyun says and Doyoung fights between to urge to cover his ears or press him for every single detail, “We were supposed to steal a shipment from another gang and we didn’t realize they would have so many people. It got messy and I panicked and drew my gun and I only meant to scare them…”

Doyoung feels faint.

“It was an accident,” Jaehyun chokes out, “I heard afterwards he was only a kid.”

If there is any moment Doyoung thinks he would have lost it, it would have been this one. A few months ago, if he had Jaehyun right in front of him confessing to killing Mark, he properly would have snapped then and there and put a bullet in his head with no hesitation. 

But now, as Doyoung stares at Jaehyun in front of him, looking utterly broken, again all he wants to do hold him and wipe away the tears that haven’t stopped falling from his eyes. He hasn’t got the energy to fight himself anymore so he doesn’t.

His own legs are unstable as he walks up to Jaehyun and pulls him into his arms. Jaehyun freezes for a second, likely in shock before absolutely collapsing into Doyoung and holding onto to him as if his life depended on it.

“I didn’t mean to,” he mumbles against Doyoung’s shoulder, “I couldn’t sleep for weeks afterwards, not until you came along. I hate myself so much.”

Doyoung shushes him, pressing his lips against Jaehyun’s hair. “You didn’t mean it,” Doyoung says, “It was an accident. I don’t blame you, I love you.”

Doyoung tries to find _ any _ part inside of himself that doesn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth but he comes up empty. _ He doesn’t blame Jaehyun. He loves him. _ He’s tired of lying to himself. Doyoung feels tears begin to prick at his own eyes as he holds onto Jaehyun tighter. 

“I love you,” he says again quietly and he feels Jaehyun’s body shake with another sob against him.

-

Doyoung wakes up first to Jaehyun shifting in his sleep beside him. It’s still early in the morning so Doyoung makes sure to stay still as to not disrupt him. It’s not like he wants to move anyway, he’s still exhausted in every single of the word from last night. Doyoung frowns as he observes Jaehyun, whose eyes are still red and puffy from crying. Dried tear tracks stain his cheeks and Doyoung reaches out to gently rub his thumb against them, carefully cupping his face in his hand. They had both spilled so much of their insides to each other the night before and neither of them could take any of it back even if they wanted to. 

Doyoung thinks about his own confession, both to Jaehyun and to himself. He’s long since known that he doesn’t care about revenge anymore, long since forgiven Jaehyun well before his explanation yesterday, even if it took Doyoung so long to admit this fact to himself. He’s not sure how he managed to hold onfor so long, lying to himself like that, but he knows he was probably just afraid of what the truth entailed. Lying and deception had been all he had known his whole life so to have something so real and tangible as his feelings for Jaehyun was absolutely terrifying. And rightfully so, because now that Doyoung’s done lying to himself and freed from one weight on his shoulders, he felt a newer, heavier burden begin to creep up on him. 

Jaehyun lets out a soft noise before his eyes slowly begin to flutter open. Doyoung doesn’t retract his hand and continues to trace the soft skin as he waits for Jaehyun to fully awaken.

“Hi,” Doyoung says quietly, once he’s sure Jaehyun is conscious enough to hear him.

“Hi,” Jaehyun says back, his voice is rough from sleep and all the crying he did the night before.

He seems hesitant, waiting for Doyoung to talk first, almost afraid of what he has to say.

“How are you feeling?” Doyoung asks, making his voice as gentle as possible.

Jaehyun leans into the touch of Doyoung’s palm, “I’m okay. What about you? Are _ we _ okay?”

Doyoung had debated this question for a long time before he fell asleep last night. He had come to conclusion that they were okay. They had to be. So he tells Jaehyun exactly this.

“You’ll stay?” Jaehyun asks, hope clear in his voice, “you’re not afraid of me or anything?”

“I could never be afraid of you,” Doyoung shakes his head and gestures for Jaehyun to move closer to him, “Now come here, it’s still early, let’s go back to sleep.”

Jaehyun gives his a sleepy smile and doesn’t hesitate to snuggle closer, the two of them wrapping up in each other’s warmth before falling into a dreamless sleep. There was still a mountain of issues that had to be addressed and impossible obstacles they would eventually have to face, but for now, this would be enough.

-

Doyoung’s never been one to avoid his problems, but it seems lately, that’s all he’s been doing. Ever since that night he’s tried to distract both of them with domestic ignorance, pretending as if everything is normal, as if their lives were normal. There’s really no point, not with Jaehyun’s meeting with Neo gang is in a few days but as long as Doyoung doesn’t think about it, the longer he has to pretend like everything is okay. He’s not dumb enough to believe that if you ignore something it will get better on his own, but he was optimistic enough that at the very least it wouldn’t get worse.

Oh boy was Doyoung a fool on this one. 

“Can I borrow this book?”

Doyoung looks up from the checkout counter to see Johnny’s smug face grinning at him as he throws what looks like a trashy romance novel onto the counter. Doyoung eyes the book with a raised eyebrow but makes no move to start scanning it out.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he whispers harshly at Johnny, “Do you even have a library card?”

Johnny laughs good-naturedly. _ Fake _. “I don’t even know what a library card is. Just thought I’d pop by to check up on you. See first hand what kind of a revenge plot takes more than six months to complete.”

Doyoung swallows thickly at the words, “Like I said last time, I know what I’m doing.”

He really doesn’t but Johnny doesn’t need to know that.

Johnny shakes his head, tsking at Doyoung in demeaning way before leaning in close against the counter, “Your father was patient with you but you’re running out of time and he doesn’t like loose strings. Either do what you were meant to do or just kill him.”

Doyoung gives a stiff nod, and attempts to lean away. Just when he thinks Johnny is finally done with him and about to leave him alone, a voice calls out for him from behind Johnny that has both of them looking up, Doyoung in fear, and Johnny in delight.

“Doyoung?” Jaehyun says again as he approaches the two of them, “Who is this?”

Of all the times Doyoung was grateful for Jaehyun’s habit of picking him up from work, this was not one of them. There’s an obvious tension in the air as Jaehyun glares at Johnny, who remains leaned in far too close to Doyoung for comfort.

Johnny grins, extending out a hand, “I’m Johnny, old friend of Doyoung’s, although I’d like to say we were more than friends at one point.”

Jaehyun immediately retracts the hand he was about to shake Johnny’s with. He doesn’t even bother to try to hide the displeasure in his feature.

Doyoung sighs, “He’s an old coworker and he’s was just leaving.”

He shoves the book on the counter into Johnny’s hands, not caring if it’s even been checked out or not. Johnny takes the book but otherwise doesn’t move.

“Is that really all you think of me?” Johnny lets out an affronted gasp before turning his attention back to Jaehyun, “you still haven’t introduced yourself.”

“I’m Jaehyun,” he says coldly, “Doyoung’s _ boyfriend _.”

The way he enunciates the last part possessively might have had Doyoung blushing if it weren’t for who Jaehyun was talking to. Instead he only feels a chill run down his spine. Johnny on the other hand, looks completely unbothered.

“Well Jaehyun,” he says, finally peeling himself off of the check out counter, “It was a pleasure to meet you, I can see why Doyoung likes you so much.”

Johnny ignores the scowl Jaehyun presents him in return. He turns his attention back to Doyoung.

“See you around Doyoung,” Johnny says with a crooked smile and a wink, before he saunters out of the library, book still in hand.

Jaehyun immediately marches around the check out counter and pulls Doyoung towards him by the waist. “I don’t like him,” he huffs, “Please don’t tell me you’ll actually _ see him around. _”

Doyoung gives him a weak smile and hooks his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, pressing a reassuring kiss against his lips. 

“Don’t worry” he says with a shake of his head, “I don’t like him either and I have no intention of seeing him again.”

Doyoung only wishes that was in his control.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been nearly five hours since Jaehyun left for his meeting at Neo gang and beside himself with nerves. He knows he’s being dramatic, there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. He’s never been this stressed any other of the countless times Jaehyun’s gone to these meetings so he doesn’t know why tonight he feels as if he’s going to be sick to his stomach. 

Deciding it might be in his best interest to sleep it off, he climbs into his head, wrapping his sheets tightly around his body. The bed feels far too big for him to use alone and he finds himself craving the warmth of Jaehyun beside him. Somewhere along the way, Doyoung’s body has decided that it can’t sleep properly without Jaehyun by his side anymore, which is bullshit because Doyoung has always slept better alone.

Doyoung curls up closer into himself, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to turn his brain off. The faster he fell asleep, the faster he’d wake up to hopefully Jaehyun next to him.

Doyoung is jolted awake by the loud ringing of his phone. He groans, rolling over to reach for his phone on the nightstand. It must be morning by the light filtering in through the window and he tries not to think about how glaringly empty his bed still is. He presses his phone against his ear, not bothering to check the caller ID. It has to be Jaehyun, no one else would bother to call him.

“Hello?” he says sleepily, rubbing his eyes, waiting for whatever explanation Jaehyun was going to give for not being home yet.

“Doyoung?” the voice that filters through the receiver is distinctly not Jaehyun’s, but it’s not an unwelcome sound either.

“Taeyong?” he says, surprise evident in his voice, “What’s up?”

“Are you busy today?” Taeyong asks, his voice is even and formal, lacking any of the warmness Doyoung is used to from him, “Can we meet?”

Doyoung agrees instantly and they quickly set a plan to meet an hour from now. He remains baffled by the sudden call from his old friend, but if we wanted to meet on such short notice, it must be important. Doyoung had grown up with Taeyong as their fathers were friends. He was heavily involved in a lot of the work Doyoung did back when he was with the SM Group even if he more of a _ freelance _ worker himself. Despite leading a highly dangerous and illegal lifestyle, Doyoung respected how Taeyong refused to tie himself to any of the big criminal groups.

There was a point in their childhoods were they used to see each other every day, but nowadays, it was lucky if they met up once a year. Doyoung knows he could try harder, it’s always Taeyong who initiates it any time they actually manage to meet up, but he’s never been good at keeping relationships. At least not until Jaehyun.

He rushes to get ready, leaving a quick note on the counter in case Jaehyun comes back while he’s out. He meets Taeyong at their usual spot, a discreet cafe with well-spaced out tables to allow for privacy in their conversations. Taeyong is already sitting there waiting for him when he arrives. He waves Doyoung over with a grim look and a bad feeling starts to creep up his spine. He sits down cautiously, assessing Taeyong’s expression carefully.

“What’s this all about?” he asks lowly, “I take it I’m not here simply because you missed me.”

Taeyong gives him a sad smile, “I wish it was, it’s been a while.”

Doyoung nods and Taeyong takes a deep breath, he was never one to beat around the bush, “Jaehyun has been tasked to kill you.”

Doyoung’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as he processes Taeyong’s words. What the hell was he talking about? How does Taeyong even know who Jaehyun is? 

As if reading his mind, Taeyong continues to speak, “I know because they hired me to kill you in case he fails. The Neo Gang doesn’t fully trust Jaehyun to go through with the task, not with your little _ relationship _ standing in the way. They somehow found out who your father is and see this as an opportunity to weaken SM Group. They’re all a bunch of idiots if you ask me, choosing to ask perhaps the only two people on this entire earth who would never actually kill you.”

Even given the circumstances, Doyoung still smiles gratefully at Taeyong. It’s nice to know that even after all this time and distance, he still had Doyoung’s back. 

“I know you would never, but how do I know Jaehyun won’t go through with it?” 

Even as the words leave his mouth, he knows they sound wrong. Deep down, he knows Jaehyun would never do such a thing and Taeyong seems to agree. He focuses on Doyoung with a stern look, “We both know he won’t. I’ve only met him a few times in passing and he seems like a sweet kid. A little misguided perhaps but I can already tell he would never be able to actually intentionally hurt anyone, let alone someone he’s so obviously in love with.”

Doyoung gives Taeyong a wry smile, “Anyone meeting you would argue that you’re pretty sweet too. You don’t seem to have a problem with killing people for a living.”

“Doyoung,” Taeyong scolds him lightly, but remains unoffended by the slight jab at his career choices, “you know him better than anyone.”

He’s right, there’s probably no one else in the entire world who has Jaehyun mapped out as Doyoung does. He knows his every little quirk and habit, what he’s like when he’s happy, sad, scared, bored and everything in-between. Most of all, Doyoung knows what Jaehyun is like when he’s in love.

He lets out a deep sigh, “First I’m supposed to kill him and now he’s supposed to kill me? What am I going to do now?”

Taeyong reaches out and places a comforting hand over Doyoung’s, “Just lay low for now. I’ll come up with something. You’ve saved my life so many times before in the past, it’s about time I return the favour.”

The certainty in Taeyong’s voice makes him feel slightly better, even if his entire chest still aches every time he breathes. 

-

Jaehyun is back by the time Doyoung returns to the apartment. Jaehyun who has just been given the task to kill him. He steps carefully into the living, calling out a tentative hello to alert his boyfriend of his presence. Jaehyun pops his head around the corner and smiles as soon as his eyes land on Doyoung.

“You’re home!” he says brightly, “and right on time, I’ve just finished making brunch.”

He’s dressed in a kitchen apron and still has a spoon in his hand as he ushers Doyoung towards the dining table. Doyoung takes a seat, he still hasn’t said a word, too busy being bewildered by how stupidly normal Jaehyun is acting. How could he smile when all Doyoung wanted to do was cry?

Jaehyun throws his apron off and joins Doyoung at the other end of the table. “I’m sorry it took me this long to come home, but I was kind of hoping you’d be here when I did. I thought I’d surprise you with brunch.”

He picks up his fork and gestures for Doyoung to do the same. Doyoung snorts, _ who the fuck could think of making brunch of all things in a time like this _. He doesn’t move, feeling the irritation bubbling up inside of him as he watches Jaehyun’s smile drop.

“I know you’ve been assigned to kill me,” he blurts out because he’s so goddamn tired of lies, “I know you know who I am.”

Jaehyun’s eyes widen in shock and his fork clatters loudly on the table. In a second, Jaehyun has leaped out of his seat and rushed over to Doyoung’s side, kneeling in front of him and pulling both his hands into his.

“How did you find out?” he asks, “you’re not supposed to know this.”

Doyoung doesn’t answer him. Instead, he asks Jaehyun a question of his own, something that has been bothering him since his meeting with Taeyong.

“How did they find out who I am?” 

He had been so careful to cover his tracks, he can’t think of anything he could have done that would have alerted the Neo Group of his identity. The look of guilt that washes over Jaehyun’s face answers all his questions. Doyoung retracts his hands from Jaehyun’s. 

“A few months back I found an unregistered gun, hidden in a box under your bed. I didn’t mean to snoop but I had nothing to do and wanted to get to know you better. You’d never given me any reason to be suspicious beforehand, but finding the gun made me paranoid. I freaked out and went to Neo Group to ask them to do a background check on you. They figured out who you were after that. It was the worst mistake of my life.”

Doyoung thinks back to the night a few months ago where Jaehyun had been acting funny. That must have been when he had found out. Doyoung shakes his head, that couldn’t be. “This whole time you knew who I was and you didn’t do anything about it?”

“I didn’t care. By then I was already in love with you and I wanted nothing to do with Neo Gang anymore. That’s when I tried to leave. I thought they would just drop it and forget about it.”

“You’re an idiot,” Doyoung mutters under his breath and Jaehyun blinks rapidly, eyes becoming wet and shiny.

Jaehyun’s head lowers in shame. Doyoung almost wants to slap him for being so stupid. Instead, he stands up abruptly, chair scratching loudly against the floor. Jaehyun’s eyes frantically follow Doyoung heads for the front door. Jaehyun gets up from his knees in a panic, rushing to the door before Doyoung can even make two steps, spreading his arms out to block the way.

“I won’t do it,” Jaehyun pleads, his bottom lip trembling, I don’t care what they say I won’t do it, I can’t. I know you’re supposed to hurt me too, but you haven’t. Let’s just ignore all of them and be together. Doyoung, I love you and you love me too, that’s all that matters. We’ll ignore them and be happy.”

Doyoung wishes he could be like Jaehyun, wishes he could just say _ okay _to him and live in his unrealistic delusions, but Doyoung isn’t that naive. He knows better. This wasn’t a problem they could simply just turn a blind eye to. It would only get worse.

He lets out a bitter laugh, “If you know who I am then you have to know the only reason we even met was because I wanted to get revenge. None of this is real.”

Jaehyun frantically shakes his head, hands reaching up to cover his ears in an attempt to block out Doyoung’s words, “You don’t mean that, I know you don’t mean that. You told you love me.”

Doyoung shuts his eyes, taking a deep breath and willing himself not to cry. “No,” he says, willing his voice to be clear and steady, “I hate you. You took the most important thing in my life away from me and all I wanted was to ruin your life like you ruined mine.”

Doyoung doesn’t look when Jaehyun crumbles to the ground, hands still pressed over his ears. He focuses on putting on his shoes and grabbing his jacket from the hook by the door. He reaches for the door handle; Jaehyun is still blocking it but Doyoung pulls it open anyway, pushing Jaehyun aside easily. He’s given up. He doesn’t look back when he walks out, ignoring the pleas of his name that echo behind him.

-

“It’s done, you’re officially dead.”

Doyoung looks up from where he’s sprawled out on Taeyong’s couch, watching as his friend pads over to him and drops himself on the couch with a huff, “I’ve been gone for hours, have you really not moved from the couch since I left?”

Doyoung purses his lips. Yes, he has but he doesn’t need to confirm that with Taeyong. He’s been bad at keeping track of time lately, holed up in Taeyong’s stupidly big and empty house, passing his time by either staring at the ceiling or sleeping even when he’s not tired. He wishes he could at least go to work, but he’s supposed to be dead so it’s a given that’s out of the question.

He could probably be more grateful, seeing the lengths Taeyong has gone through to keep him alive. Perhaps he would be, if his mind weren’t always on a certain somebody else these days. As much as he’s stopped valuing his own life much, he knows that him dying, or in this case, faking his death, would be one of the only ways to keep Jaehyun safe. 

“Thank you,” he decides to say, the words sounding oddly formal coming out of his mouth, “I don’t know how you managed it.”

Taeyong shrugs, “It was pretty easy, all I needed was a fresh corpse and a believable story. The Neo boss ate it right up.”

Doyoung nods, with Taeyong’s flawless reputation as a hitman, it wouldn’t take much convincing for even the toughest gang boss to believe anything he said. Doyoung would like to think that if it were him in that position, he would never be so negligent. Then again, it’s not like any of them had any reason to doubt Taeyong, after all, no one knew of their relationship, Taeyong had made sure of that years ago when he’d faked his own death. Now that Taeyong had finished the hard part, it was up to Doyoung to keep himself hidden, to stay dead.

“I saw him,” Taeyong says, “at the Neo Gang headquarters, when I went to meet up with their boss.”

Doyoung flinches. He had suspected this might happen when Taeyong told him he was going over there, but he had hoped that he would at least keep it to himself if he did. Because now that he’s brought it up, Doyoung has to know. Taeyong knows this too. Maybe that’s why he mentioned it in the first place.

“How is he?” Doyoung asks shamelessly, better to get this over with.

“Miserable,” it’s both a blessing and a curse how straightforward Taeyong is.

“He didn’t know that Neo Gang hired me. He was in the room when I broke the news and,” Taeyong pauses, giving Doyoung a sad look that already has guilt creeping up his spine, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid in my entire life and my job is to kill people.”

Doyoung’s gut twists uncomfortably, “what could he possibly be afraid of?”

Taeyong knows he already knows the answer to the question but replies anyway, “Losing you. For real. He kept asking to see the body because he couldn’t believe it. Told him it had already been sent to the incinerator to destroy evidence. That’s when he really lost it and had to be dragged out of the room.”

Doyoung tries to shake the visual out of his head. “I suppose he probably wants to go after you now. Sorry about that.”

It only makes sense, that’s how Doyoung would have reacted in that situation. It’s how he _ did _ react in that situation. Taeyong however, shakes his head.

“No,” he says quietly, “he didn’t seem angry, not even at me, just devastated. He looked like he’d given up, even before I brought up your death.”

Doyoung takes a deep breath. He can imagine the look on Jaehyun’s face. It’s the same look he gave him the day he left him in a mess on the floor. _ This is the only way _, Doyoung reminds himself.

“What’s Neo Gang going to do now that he’s failed to complete his mission?” this last question is still eating on his nerves.

Taeyong gives him a small smile, “I wouldn’t worry about that. It seems like everyone already expected he would fail and this whole thing was all just an elaborate way to teach him a lesson. They’re hoping that with you out of the picture, Jaehyun will be back to work as usual.”

“I doubt it,” Doyoung says quietly, more to himself than anything.

As much as Doyoung hopes this will be the case too, deep down he has his serious doubts. All he wants now is for Jaehyun to just move on and continue on his life like he always had before they met. It’s what would probably be the best for both of them, but he knows better than to be so unrealistic. 

At the very least, broken was better than dead.

Taeyong doesn’t push it any further and for that Doyoung is glad. All this talk about Jaehyun has him feeling as if he’s minutes away from his own breakdown. 

“What are you going to tell your father?” Taeyong asks, changing the topic to something that was arguably just as unpleasant, “the news of your death should reach him soon.”

Doyoung groans, “I’m not going to tell him anything. Let him think I’m dead.”

He’s been trying to run from this life for years and still, his father always managed to slither his way back into it. Perhaps dying would be the necessary step in permanently cutting off ties. It’s a bit of a petty and childish move, but Doyoung is done being rational. His father was the whole reason why he was _ dead _ in the first place. He deserves to live with the guilt of killing his only other son.

Taeyong however, seems taken aback by the decision. “Are you sure?” he asks carefully, “He’s your father and a very powerful man at that. There’s no way to predict what he’ll do if he thinks his son is dead.”

Doyoung huffs, “Are you worried about your own safety?”

Taeyong shakes his head, “I’m worried about Jaehyun’s. I’m surprised you’re not.”

The truth is Jaehyun’s safety was all he was worried about these days. His father had wanted Jaehyun dead since the beginning and now there was no one standing in the way of completing that task. The one thing Doyoung had forgotten to consider was that his father might want to seek vengeance for his death. Which is ridiculous because he witnessed firsthand his father’s reaction to Mark. Was the promise of a new start worth the risk of Jaehyun’s safety?

“Taeyong,” Doyoung asks, an idea forming in his head, “Do you have a pen and paper? I want to write my father a letter. I trust that you can make sure he receives it?”

Taeyong gives him a strange look, but nods and goes to collect the materials for him. Doyoung presses his pen on the paper and hopes that this would be enough. His father may be cold but surely he wasn’t cruel enough to deny his dead son’s last wish.

-

_ Dear Father, _

_ By now you should have received news of my passing. I would apologize but I’m not sure what I’d be apologizing for. After all, I managed to complete the last mission you gave me. I found out who Jaehyun valued most in this universe and took them away from him. I’m sure you can guess who I’m talking about. _

_ If I’m honest, this wasn’t a part of the original plan. I didn’t think he’d actually fall this hard for me, but hey, it all worked out in the end. He’s ruined, like you wanted, in a way that would have never been possible if I were alive. Please don’t misunderstand, it’s fully my decision to die. _

_ The reason I am writing this letter is to ask for one last favour from you. If you have ever had an ounce of respect for me or cared for me at all as you son, you won’t take my death out on Jaehyun. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this whole mess, it’s that he’s innocent, both in my death and Mark’s. If you truly want someone to blame, it would be the Neo Gang. Feel free to do whatever you like with them, but please leave Jaehyun out of it. _

_ I’m sorry I couldn’t be the son you wanted me to be, I hope you feel less burdened now that I’m gone. I know I do. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Kim Doyoung _

-

Doyoung has developed a habit. He’s been following Jaehyun, or _ stalking him _, as Taeyong likes to put it. Taeyong also advises him on the daily about how bad of an idea it is, but Doyoung’s learned how to tune his warnings out. Anyone with half a brain would know that this was a bad idea, bad for him to keep obsessing over someone he was supposed to be moving on from and even worse as he risked getting caught. Self-preservation was something he might have cared about once upon a time, but lately, he had a hard time finding anything worth preserving himself for.

It starts off as simply a way for Doyoung to be able to sleep at night, an assurance that Jaehyun was safe. With the fragile state of Jaehyun’s position in the Neo Gang and Doyoung’s own father’s temperament, he just wanted a way to make sure that all his efforts weren’t going to waste. Besides, anything was more appealing than spending his days curled up in bed in one of Taeyong’s guest rooms. 

Doyoung makes sure to be extra careful not to get caught, which doesn’t prove to be a very difficult task when Jaehyun barely leaves his house, and on the rare occasion that he does, his eyes are always trained on the ground, entirely unaware of his surroundings. His outings usually consist of aimless walks around the neighbourhood at midnight or the occasional meal out. He’s always alone, never meeting up with anyone, not that he really had anyone to meet up with anymore anyway. 

His heart aches when he thinks about how lonely Jaehyun must be but at least it’s a relief to see that he’s pulled away entirely from anything Neo Gang related. He still worries about the possibility that a gang member will come knocking on Jaehyun’s door again, asking why he’s been absent, but Doyoung would rather wait for that to happen then to have Jaehyun put himself in the lion’s den. He’s been especially good at using avoidance as a solution to his problems lately.

As it would turn out, Doyoung’s worries are for nothing because two weeks into following Jaehyun, the Neo Gang headquarters attacked. It was a calculated hit, Taeyong tells him, wiping out its kingpin and core members all in one fell swoop. Being a small gang to begin with, Doyoung knows it’s unlikely they will ever recover from this attack. The thought makes him feel lighter than he has in weeks. Taeyong also goes on to tell him that rumours say _ Johnny _ had led the attack and sliced the throat of the big boss himself. For once, he’s appreciative of Johnny’s bloodlust, as opposed to disgusted. For all the trouble the SM group has given him, at least they did one thing right, even if Doyoung had to _ die _ for them to achieve it. 

Doyoung is in such good spirits that he doesn’t seek out Jaehyun for a week, actually listening when Taeyong tells him not to go. But bad habits are hard to break and it’s not long before Doyoung misses Jaehyun’s face so much that he sneaks out again when Taeyong is out and finds himself hiding behind a tree in front of the all too familiar townhouse again. He holds his breath as he watches Jaehyun step out the door. Even from a distance Doyoung can tell that he looks tired from the visible dark circles around his eyes and the way he slouches as he walks.

Jaehyun doesn’t take his usual route today. He doesn’t head towards the plaza where he takes most of his meals and it’s far too early for one of his little walks. Filled with a newfound sense of curiosity, he follows Jaehyun to a local grocery store where he purchases a bouquet of flowers. This peaks Doyoung’s attention and makes something uneasy stir inside of him. Nevertheless, he doesn’t want to jump to any conclusions so he continues to watch Jaehyun as he gets onto the bus with his bouquet, while he follows discreetly behind in a car he borrowed from Taeyong’s garage.

It’s only Jaehyun gets off at his stop when Doyoung takes note of his surroundings and the realization dawns on him. Jaehyun has gone to visit the cemetery, the very one Doyoung was _ supposedly _ buried at. The idea completely unnerves him and he’s almost tempted to just drive off again, back to Taeyong’s house where he can crawl back into bed and pretend this day never happened. He doesn’t though, because as soon as he sees Jaehyun disappear down the path further into the cemetery, he out of the car with his hood on and hands shoved in his pocket, hurrying quietly after him. 

It doesn’t take long for Doyoung to catch up to him. The soft dirt of the cemetery helps to mask his footsteps, but it’s not like Jaehyun is being all that attentive anyway, not when he’s focused on finding one specific grave. From the way he navigates between the tombstones and locates the correct one with ease, Doyoung has a feeling it’s not his first time coming here. The dried flowers resting on the dirt beside it only reinforce this theory. 

It’s Doyoung’s first time seeing his grave and he’s thrown off by how plain his tombstone looks, stating just his name and dates. He can’t help but feel a little disappointed in how insignificant it looks among all the other graves, one that would easily be overlooked. He shakes his head and pushes this thought away, focusing on the task at hand. After all, dead people weren’t meant to care about what others think of them when they’re dead.

Doyoung carefully tucks himself away from view behind a large tombstone, a mere couple feet away from where Jaehyun is now kneeling on the ground with his back facing him.

“I hope you’re happy now.”

Doyoung has to cover his mouth with his hand to stop the gasp that almost escapes from him as he hears Jaehyun begin to speak. He’s almost tempted to believe that his ears are playing tricks on him as he’s immediately washed over with a sense of comfort from hearing Jaehyun’s voice for the first time in so long. 

This feeling however, doesn’t last for long as Jaehyun continues to speak.

“You won, you got your revenge,” his voice is hoarse and shaky, “you made me fall in love with you then took the only thing I’ve ever cared about in this entire world away from me.”

Doyoung keeps his hand over his mouth, letting his head fall back against the cold stone behind him as he takes in Jaehyun’s words. He doesn’t want to listen anymore but his body remains locked in place.

“Fuck, I hate you so much,” Jaehyun swears loudly and Doyoung winces, “what am I supposed to do now? I have nothing left. Sometimes I’ll dream of you at night and it’s like you're still here with me until I wake up in the morning and it’s like I’m losing you all over again. It just hurts so much. Is this how you felt when Mark died because I can barely even eat or sleep or do anything because it hurts so goddamn much.”

He hears a growl of frustration before the sound of something, the bouquet probably, being thrown at the ground.

“Why couldn’t you have just killed me instead?” he’s yelling now, “I’m sure even dying would be better than this. I wish you just killed me.”

His voice breaks at the end and his breathing comes out in sharp gasps. Doyoung doesn’t have to look to know that Jaehyun is crying and squeezes his eyes together tightly to hold back his own tears. He wishes he were anywhere else but here right now, he wishes he never heard Jaehyun say any of this. He should have driven away when he had the chance. With a shuddering breath Doyoung steels himself to make a run for it. He doesn’t care if he’s no longer being inconspicuous, he just needs to get out of there. Jaehyun’s too caught up in his own sobs to notice anyway.

-

When Doyoung somehow makes it back to Taeyong’s house in one piece, he’s greeted by Taeyong waiting for him by the doorway. He opens his mouth, ready to scold him for going out but the second he sees the state that Doyoung’s in, his face falls and he runs to pull him inside the house.

Taeyong sets him down on the couch, rubbing soothing circles on his back in an attempt to calm him down.

“What the hell happened Doyoung?” he asks tersely, but the worry is evident in his voice.

“I went to see him,” Doyoung says between sharp breaths as he shakes his head, vision blurry with tears.

Jaehyun’s words continue to ring loudly in his head no matter how hard he tries to fight it.

“Taeyong I fucked up,” he breaks down and Taeyong moves closer to hold onto Doyoung if only to keep him from falling apart further, “I fucked myself over, he hates me so much and it’s all my fault. You should have heard how messed up he is. I thought he’d be okay but he’s not, I fucked him up and I don’t know how to fix it. He doesn’t deserve this and it’s all my fault.”

His heart is racing as he spills himself out to Taeyong. Never has he felt more helpless, never has he felt more guilty, never has he wanted so badly to no longer exist.

“Maybe you should just kill me for real,” he suggests suddenly and Taeyong gives him a horrified look, “I’m supposed to be dead anyway, this would be so much easier, you should have just killed me in the first place.”

“Stop it,” Taeyong says, shaking his body hard for emphasis, “you know you don’t mean that so stop saying stupid things. Nobody is killing anyone here.”

Doyoung lets out a wet sniffle and looks up at Taeyong helplessly, “I don’t know what else to do.”

Taeyong lets go of Doyoung to rub at his own face in frustration, “Why don’t you just tell him you’re still alive? Now that Neo Gang is gone, there’s really nothing stopping you.”

Doyoung shoots his friend a dirty look, “Do you really think I haven’t already thought of that? I want to so badly. He already hates me so much right now, it would only make it worse if he found out I’ve been lying about my death this whole time.”

Jaehyun would surely never forgive him for that. Doyoung doesn’t think he deserves it anyway, not after all that he’s done to hurt him. Jaehyun is better off without him. He’s caused him enough pain to last a lifetime.

"Well, in that case, there's nothing you can do except move on," Taeyong says with a sigh, dropping his arms from Doyoung's side, "you started over once before and I'm sure you can do it again. If you really believe that Jaehyun is better off without you then the first thing you have to do is stop this ridiculous stalking bullshit. It's only going to make you feel worse."

Doyoung lowers his head in shame. He knows Taeyong is right, he knew from the first time he found himself outside Jaehyun's house that he shouldn't be there but his resolve had weakened to a point of near non-existence. As difficult as it was going to be, Doyoung knows he needs to let go, if only for Jaehyun's sake.

-

Taeyong kicks him out, tells him he needs to learn how to live on his own again. Doyoung leaves without compliant, knowing his friend has already helped him out far more than he ever deserved. He moves into a tiny studio apartment at the edge of the city and finds a job writing trashy articles for an online new site. It’s not the greatest job but it pays the bills and means that Doyoung can work from home. He’s supposed to be dead so he still needs to keep a low profile and all. He knows it would have been a smarter idea to move away from the city, perhaps even leave the country, but he’s lost and left so much here that he can’t bring himself to leave. 

Doyoung feels as if he's in a weird limbo, where he's not quite as miserable as he was before, but he's definitely not happy. While things haven't gotten worse, but he can't say he's been having the time of his life being confined to his tiny apartment. He's been put on a self-imposed house arrest, a rehab of sorts to battle what Taeyong calls his _ Jaehyun addiction. _

Every day he itches to leave, to go out and just take a peek at how Jaehyun's doing but every day he's managed to hold out. Over time the urge has lessened but it still remains a nagging thought in the back of his mind. _ This was the best thing he could do for Jaehyun _, he tells himself for the hundredth time, although he's been repeating different variations of the same message for so long now that he's not sure what to believe anymore.

It's a dull existence, lonely and repetitive, but in some ways much like his life before he met Jaehyun. Doyoung never realized just how much the other man changed his life until he was no longer a part of it. Love was a luxury that he was never meant to experience. It’s certainly a luxury he will never experience again. Perhaps this was his punishment, to live out the rest of his days in boredom and melancholy.

_ Usual spot. Meet you in an hour. _

Doyoung’s phone buzzes with the message from Taeyong. He doesn’t usually contact him so late, it’s already dark out but Doyoung tries not to question it. These days he’s the only contact with the outside world that he still has and despite having kicked him out of his place, Taeyong still tries to meet up with him every once in a while for some human interaction. Doyoung appreciates the effort, the two of them haven’t been this close since they were kids. He knows Taeyong is lonely too, so it’s the least he can do. He just wishes he could be better company. 

“I thought this would work itself out but I guess not everything goes according to plan.”

It’s the first thing Taeyong says to him as soon as he sits down across from him. Doyoung gives him a confused look. It wasn’t like Taeyong to be so vague. 

“There’s something I’m going to tell you,” he continues, “Something I don’t want to tell you but I’m going to do it anyway because I think you should know.”

Now, this has Doyoung’s attention. Whatever Taeyong had to say must be important or else he wouldn’t be making such a big deal out of telling Doyoung.

“What is it?” he asks quickly, impatience evident in his tone.

Taeyong tilts his head to the side but he stays silent for a minute, a contemplative look on his face. It’s unsettling and causes Doyoung to fidget in place. He holds in the urge to ask Taeyong to hurry up. 

“Did you really love Jaehyun?” he asks finally.

Doyoung gapes at the unexpected question. It’s a complete shift from their earlier conversation and he struggles to see how this relates to whatever important news he was about to tell him. Taeyong, however, looks entirely serious and Doyoung finds himself with no choice but to respond.

“Yes,” he says quietly, “of course I loved him. I still love him and I probably always will. Why else do you think I agreed to die? I thought it would be the safest option for him. I just didn’t realize how much it would hurt him.”

His words are laced with a slight bitterness. Partly towards the situation, but mostly towards himself. Taeyong nods, taking in Doyoung’s answer. It still stings for him to bring Jaehyun up like this but in a way, it feels cathartic to admit his feelings to Taeyong. There aren’t many things in this world that Doyoung is sure anymore but his love for Jaehyun remains one of them. It’s a shame he never got to say it out loud more often.

“I’m telling you this because I care about you,” Taeyong starts again and Doyoung sits up straight in anticipation, “I didn’t think it would come to this point, but it has and I think you’re the only one who can fix it. I just hope you make the right decision this time.”

This only further fuels Doyoung’s confusion. “Taeyong,” he urges, “just tell me.”

Taeyong sighs.

“Jaehyun is in the hospital. He collapsed on the sidewalk yesterday. I don’t think he’s been eating or sleeping.”

Chills run down Doyoung’s spine as Taeyong’s words. Chills that turn into panic and a voice screaming in his head to _ go and see Jaehyun now _. He nearly jumps out of his seat in a hurry and he’s sure he must look manic to Taeyong. Jaehyun was in the hospital, Jaehyun was hurt yet again because of him. 

“I have to go,” he says out loud, “I have to see him.”

Taeyong doesn’t stop him when he runs out the door of the cafe, ignoring the startled looks of people passing by as he frantically tries to hail a taxi. All he knows is that he needs to get to Jaehyun.

Visiting hours are long over by the time Doyoung gets to the hospital but he doesn’t pay that any mind. He’s spent his entire life sneaking around and breaking into places he shouldn’t be so it doesn’t take him long to figure which room Jaehyun is in and carefully smuggle himself inside it. 

The sight before him makes his chest heavy and eyes threaten to water. 

Jaehyun lies in the middle of the hospital bed. He’s fast asleep and looks just as beautiful as Doyoung remembers. He’s paler and thinner than Doyoung remembers. No more of squishy, rosy cheeks he used to like to pinch and his stomach turns at the thought that he was the one who caused this.

Doyoung walks up quietly to the side of the bed, sitting down on the chair beside it. His heart thumps loudly in his chest as he reaches out to carefully run a finger down one side of Jaehyun’s cheek. It’s the smallest touch but the contact after so long still makes his breath catch in his throat. He traces Jaehyun’s features with his fingertip, gently across his eyelids, down the smooth slope of his nose and over the softness of his plush lips. He moves to cup Jaehyun’s face properly, revelling in the feeling of his warm skin against his hand.

When Jaehyun’s eyes begin to flutter open, deep and brown and staring right at him, Doyoung’s first instinct is to retract his hand. He’s stopped by the feeling of another hand covering his, holding his hand in place against Jaehyun’s face.

“Doyoung?” Jaehyun asks, his voice barely above a whisper, “Why are you here? Am I dreaming again?”

Doyoung swallows the lump in his throat and shakes his head in reply. He doesn’t quite trust himself to speak out loud yet.

“If I’m not dreaming that means I must be dead.”

Doyoung eyes widen and he’s just about to correct him when Jaehyun’s face breaks out into the happiest, most heartbreaking smile.

“I missed you so much, Doyoung. I’m so sorry for everything. I love you so much.”

Doyoung shakes his head again, wondering what the hell Jaehyun had to apologize for. 

“Jaehyun,” he speaks up for the first time, pausing to carefully choose his words, “you’re not dead. And neither am I.”

Jaehyun blinks in confusion and his hand drops from where it’s covering Doyoung’s. “What? This is real?” he asks softly, afraid.

“Taeyong faked the whole thing. I’ve been alive this entire time,” the confession feels heavy on his tongue and he braces himself for Jaehyun’s reaction.

The way his expression falls into one of hurt and disappointment breaks Doyoung heart all over again. He even shifts to get away from Doyoung’s hand still pressed against his face.

“No, that can’t be. What are you doing here?” Jaehyun’s voice is shaky and an unmistakable shininess begins to form in his eyes, “Are you here to kill me once and for all? To get your revenge for what I did to Mark?”

Doyoung is stunned by Jaehyun’s conclusion. He’s stunned and completely hurt that this is the first conclusion that Jaehyun comes up with.

“No-” he starts but Jaehyun cuts him off.

“Just do it then, just kill me. I can’t live without you,” he gasps out, cheeks wet with tears.

“_ Jaehyun _ ,” Doyoung stresses loudly, hoping to break him out this nonsense he’s spouting, “I’m not here to kill you. I won’t hurt you, not ever again. I’m here because _ I _ can live without you either.”

He’s so distracted by the stunned look on Jaehyun’s face that he barely notices his own tears beginning to streak down his face. He reaches out again, to touch Jaehyun’s cheek and this time he doesn’t pull away. 

“I love you,” he admits, “I love you more than you can imagine and I don’t know how to even start apologizing for everything I’ve put you through. I’m sorry for lying but I thought this would be the best way to keep you safe. You don’t have to forgive me but I just thought you deserved the truth.

“You love me,” Jaehyun repeats quietly, “you’re not still angry with me? What about when you left and said you hated me?”

His expression is still conflicted, but his voice is lighter now, filled with the slightest bit of hope. Doyoung hopes he grabs onto that hope and doesn’t let go.

“I didn’t mean a word of it. I forgave you a long time ago. I’m the one who should be asking for your forgiveness. I bet you hate me now.”

“You’re forgiven,” Jaehyun says immediately without a second thought and Doyoung wonders if he’s imagined it, “I deserved it for what I did to Mark. We’re even now.”

Doyoung wants to laugh and cry at how ridiculous Jaehyun sounds but he ends up settling on giving Jaehyun a wide smile instead. “Yeah,” he says, still in disbelief, “I guess we’re even now.”

They both move at the same time, Jaehyun pushing himself up from the bed and Doyoung leaning downwards. When their lips meet it’s like they’re kissing for the first time and in a way, they kind of are. It’s the first time they aren’t hiding behind any lies and secrets and it’s the first time the prospect of loving each other doesn’t come with the prospect of fear. Doyoung holds their lips together, he doesn’t try to deepen the kiss, simply savouring in the feeling of having Jaehyun close to him again. It’s so freeing to be able to kiss Jaehyun, not motivated by anything except his love for him. 

Jaehyun pulls back first but doesn’t go far, his face remains hovering barely an inch away from Doyoung’s. 

“I changed my mind,” he says breathlessly, looking deep into Doyoung’s eyes, “We aren’t even. You stole one for thing from me that I’ll never be able to get back.”

Doyoung eyes flash with confusion, “What?”

“My heart,” Jaehyun says simply and he reaches down to take on of Doyoung’s hands and place it on the left side of his chest, right over his heartbeat, “as payment you need to promise to spend the rest of your life by my side. Then we’ll be even.”

“Done,” he says instantly because Doyoung doesn’t even have to think to answer this question and as soon as the word leaves his mouth, Jaehyun’s lips are back on his.

_ The rest of their lives together _. Nothing had ever sounded more appealing.

**Author's Note:**

> and that's the end. thanks to everyone who followed along this story, it was an interesting experience to say the least. please let me know all your thoughts!!
> 
> find me on:  
[twitter](https://twitter.com/yooodles)  
[cc](https://curiouscat.me/yooodles)


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